The Year I Turned Fourteen
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Because whatever happens in your life, a diary will always be by your side. WK fic.  Sequel to "Diaries of a Secret Affair", you might want to read this one first though if you don't it's ok, I seriously doubt it will be that hard to understand.
1. Prologue

**Chapter one – Prologue**

The year I turned fourteen, I realized that I had spent half of my life without my father. Seven years had flown away mysteriously – almost all of a sudden – since that sunny morning when an ambulance had taken him to a place he would never come back from. If I had had to describe what had followed, I would have used these two nouns: tears and resentment. Like a veil of dark clouds covering a sky way too fast – stealing our smiles. But as I was sitting by the windowsill of our Brooklyn apartment on that cold January evening, the only conclusion I came to was that the man I used to call dad had turned into a perfect stranger now. We say that death doesn't change anything – that we will always remember our beloved ones no matters the years that might pass by. It is a lie. After seven years, his figure was blurry to me – as if the sun would constantly blind me when trying to look up at him standing there in front of me. His voice had ceased to be as well and if it weren't for a couple of pictures my mother would have not been able to throw away like the rest, he would have been a pure fantasy – some sort of an old idea I would have come up with once.

He didn't mean to die. He didn't mean to leave us behind. But it happened – harshly. Unexpectedly. It never stopped hurting – through my mother's constant pain and how her broken heart would never be the same ever again, the semblance of life she desperately tried to bring us nonetheless. We had lost our references and for some reason – as numbers moved into a cruel game of geometry – it hit me like a ton of bricks. Anger boiling through my veins. My father had ceased to make sense to me.

The year I turned fourteen, everything fell down and crashed into pieces – slowly, little by little. It may have been some sort of renouncement if I have to think about it retrospectively. I found out about men and how easy it was to manipulate them. I found out about the numbed world of alcohol and how safe it made me feel. I found out about drugs – hard ones – and a couple of other things.

I made it through. A matter of luck – definitely not determination. But as I finally managed to embrace my own life – the way I wanted it to be – something remained, stuck around in my head: if I ever had a child, I would do my best to prevent him – or her – from regretting to have turned fourteen. Innocent I was to think it would be that easy.

Karen.

…

The place looked like a doll house – one of these she always stared at in window stores at Christmas when she was a child – knowing that she would never get one. Small tables coming straight from _Alice in Wonderland _as if tea were about to be served at any time. Unless you preferred the Art Deco room in the background with its colorful lamps that reminded her of a bistro in Paris she had gone to with Will a few years earlier.

Time seemed to have got suspended when you passed the doors of _Serendipity. _It was another world as outside – if you looked by the windows – The Upper East Side kept on boiling as if nothing had really happened, nothing that would deserve people to stop and look around.

"We called you Hannah because..."

"Because you majored in Philosophy at Yale – because Hannah Arendt was your favorite thinker – and most of all because "Hannah" means "Grace" in Hebrew which was a way to honor Grace. I know that but... Aren't you supposed to wait for dad to tell me that? Like every year."

Sometimes, Karen wondered if she didn't go too far – if her constant desire to give her child the exact opposite of what she had received once wasn't too much. The minute she had given birth to Hannah, it had been all about rituals and traditions – a subconscious desire to give her child references she herself had cruelly lacked once. Coming to _Serendipity _for Hannah's birthday was one of them – like telling the story behind her name.

Crossing her arms on the table and plunging her eyes in her daughter's, Karen nodded before looking at the room.

"You are right, sweetie. You are right... I am sorry."

But Will was nowhere to be seen – probably stuck in traffic if he had decided to take a cab instead of just walking his way up to The Upper East Side. Her fingertips brushed the menu abandoned on the table – they wouldn't need to open it for knowing beforehand what they would have. Always the same – it was always the same with them.

"Hannah... There is something I want to tell you – and it is alright if your father isn't here to hear it. As a matter of fact, it might be better like that because it is something... Something personal. Please honey, keep in mind all of this – your birthdays at _Serendipity, _the way I keep on rambling about the same, year after year – because soon enough, it will look ridiculous to you and... And you will need time to realize that memories like these ones are paramount in someone's life. I love you. Remember this because soon I know that you will think that I hate you."

Hannah frowned – the way Will used to when facing a confusing situation as well – before shaking her head with determination. A curly strand of hair came to fall in front of her eyes but she left it there – as if too concentrated on the conversation that was going on.

"I will never think that!"

The door opened and Will came in – finally. Waving at him, Karen sat up on her chair and smiled with a delicate bitterness to nothing in particular.

"Oh yes you will, sweetie... Believe me."

Her whisper came to die in Will's effusion as he reached the table – kissed the top of Hannah's head – and captured her lips furtively before sitting down next to her. His hand sliding protectively on her hip. A large present suddenly invaded the table to the child's highest pleasure.

"Happy birthday, my princess. Ten years old... Can you believe it? You are a big girl now! Ready for a chocolate ice-cream?"

Ten years old – a new decade. The end of innocence as well.


	2. A Lonely Background

**Chapter two – A Lonely Background**

I hate her.

Sometimes she thinks that I don't listen – that I don't remember the slightest thing – but it isn't true. All the words she has used once are engraved in my head and wander there like ghosts that I can't stand. If I rarely recognize that she is right – because she isn't, obviously – I have to say that the talk we had had for my tenth birthday was honest even though by then I had simply assumed that she had lied. Because I deeply hate her now. Just as she had planned.

I have reached a point of no-return where even her smiles make me feel like screaming – slapping her hard in the hope she will stop, that it will stop. Because it is becoming suffocating and I am losing my patience in this ridiculously tiny apartment. She has money from her previous marriages but pushes us to live almost one on top of each other with no intimacy whatsoever which – for some reason – doesn't seem to bother dad that much. They say that the place is cozy and that it is good for our family spirit. I don't understand what kind of family they are talking about though.

I don't even know why I start this diary. I don't like writing – especially pointless details of my life that annoy me enough to not repeat them through these pages. And her constant so-called confessions when she tells me that I should – because she did once and it helped her. But I am not a junkie and even less a whore. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't sneak out at night only to spend five minutes in the backseat of a car on an empty parking lot. I am not like her and I will never be.

Instead I will study and become someone – not the pointless assistant of my best friend. I will graduate and have my own family. A real one not like the semblance of thing she came up with. I won't have an only child because everyone deserves a sibling – someone to talk to when your parents misunderstand what you are saying. And most of all, I won't pretend to be their friend – their stupid confident because nobody buys this. I will become someone and they will be proud of me. Not like the lame mother she is to me.

I hate her – deeply. Atrociously. And it hurts.

Hannah

…

"Aren't you ahead of schedule this year? If I am right, your daughter's birthday is in two weeks."

Surprised by the waiter's question, Karen abandoned the contemplation of the street – stared at the few bags from Barney's she had put on the chair in front of her – and finally nodded politely at the man.

"It is, indeed. Today... Today is just some sort of rehearsal and planning – you know, all these things."

His smile was warm. She relaxed immediately and accepted the menu – then let him go away to attend another table. He had been working there for years now that she came to think about it and yet she had no idea what his name could be. She had never asked. The realization made her feel uncomfortable and she preferred to concentrate on the choice of ice-creams.

Within a few seconds, her eyes were back on the Barney's bags on the opposite side of the table. It was from the lingerie department as indicated on gold letters over the black background of the bags - adult lingerie obviously. Had the waiter really assumed that it could have been Hannah's birthday presents? What kind of mother would have offered to her fourteen-year-old daughter several garter belts with a couple of matching lacy underwear?

Trying to sweep away the awkward idea, she looked by the window again and all of a sudden – almost by instinct – she saw Will on the opposite sidewalk, about to cross the street. She was about to wave at him when she realized that he wasn't alone. A man in his thirties was standing by his side and they were in full conversation – laughing lightly. Something hurt in her heart – ridiculously enough – but it was a sensation that she had learned to live with through the years.

Almost fifteen years had passed by since the day Will had appeared at the clinic – since the day it had been clear that she would keep the baby, their child. And their story had begun. Just like that – with an undeniable logic. They had learned and built together – smoothly. Too easily perhaps and after she had given birth to Hannah, Karen's confidence had dropped down mysteriously. Not that she showed it but a thousand inner sensations – envy, jealousy, insecurity – kept on pinching her heart from time to time as she saw Will with someone. What if one day...

"I didn't know that you wanted to go to Barney's."

Will pushed her wonders away as he bent over to capture her lips in a soft kiss – long enough to let her understand that he had missed her and was glad to be here. As he settled by her side, Karen looked by the window. The man had vanished – probably taken away by a cab.

"You didn't introduce me..."

Her affirmation sounded more like a question and she regretted it immediately. She hated jealousy and had never been able to handle it when with someone. The fact now she was the jealous one didn't help. Blankly she looked Will's hand slide on her waist – coming to rest on her thigh. The contact made her shiver and she came closer to him. Will was focused on the menu – and looked relaxed.

"Oh... You mean the person I was with in the street? It is Thomas – a new associate. Young but with a lot of talent. Very promising."

And good-looking – except Karen kept it for herself and planted a light kiss on Will's shoulder instead. They weren't there to talk about potential risks – her ridiculous jealousy – but Hannah's birthday, what they would do for it. She waited patiently for Will to put down the menu and once they ordered their ice-creams, she cleared her voice – looked up at him.

"So... What did Hannah tell you?"

Will seemed embarrassed – moving nervously on his chair. It didn't take her long to understand why. It hurt but as if to save appearances, she simply nodded and bit her lips.

"I see. She doesn't want to celebrate it here."

Will apologized – aimlessly. It had to happen one day – she knew it. After all, _Serendipity _was a child's dream and certainly not the one of a teen. But as much as Karen had tried to prepare herself to the day it would occur, it didn't change anything. And all of a sudden – in front of an enormous ice-cream – she felt completely lonely.


	3. Relationships

**Chapter three – Relationships**

The day I gave birth to Hannah, everything got lost in a net of complications and doubts. Perhaps it had to do with a semblance of conscience – a matter of responsibilities – but all of a sudden life looked horribly complicated to me. I wasn't ready to have a child – I never did. It was an accident and I found myself in the incapacity to renounce to it. I don't know why. It is antithetic but we might not be able to explain every single one of our acts at times – we might not be able to justify our lives.

I am not a good mother because this is not natural to me. The words I use – the decisions I take – sound artificial and forced. I love Hannah more than anything in the world. She is my daughter and makes me proud ridiculously enough. But still – our relationship has been awkward and that since the very beginning.

Women tend to say that motherhood changed everything in their lives – that the perspectives reached a new dimension. I don't recognize myself in their testimonies. On the contrary – the moment I held our daughter, I felt weak. Vulnerable. Too many what-ifs.

It is a day-to-day fight against an invisible enemy that comes from nowhere but in my head. I don't talk about it because the others – Grace, Jack, Will – seem to own this evidence that I lack completely. They wouldn't understand since it is instinctive for them. They wouldn't understand what I mean. What I live.

It becomes worse with the years passing by. Probably because Hannah gets closer and closer to a time that is a hard one – that left a lot of inner scars on me. I just don't want her to go through the same. She can't repeat my mistakes – she can't fall that low. I would never forgive myself if she did so. I know it is different and that the circumstances have nothing to do but still. What if.

Will brings balance to this precarious relationship. Because it is natural to him – instinctive and easy. It must be why they are so close to each other. Hannah finds in him what I am unable to give her. I hope it is enough and she will feel fine with it. At some point. Of course, I am jealous of their complicity. But I don't deserve it. Let's face it. They understand each other without saying a single word – can anticipate each other's reaction with a disturbing logic. It makes people smile. I just doubt even more.

I couldn't find a better father than Will – a better lover either. He is sweet – attentive – and patient with me. But we don't make sense together. We never did. It doesn't take long to realize that he is only with me because of Hannah – because I brought him what he had always wanted. But what will happen the day she leaves? What will become of us? I hate thinking about it because it seems obvious. He will go away as well and I will remain lonely. Lonely and broken.

Relationships aren't easy.

Karen.

…

"Why do you have to get up so quickly? Before, you used to stay with me."

Her voice was hoarse in the morning and she hated it. As she frowned, a strand of hair came to brush her lips but she didn't break eye-contact with Will. They had just woken up and he was already up – a shirt in hand, about to dress properly for breakfast. It was snowing outside and the white sky sent an old reflection through the room – a pale if not dark one. Smiling, Will made his way back in bed only to pass his arms around her waist. Holding her tight.

"I just wanted to make some pancakes. Hannah loves them on Saturday morning."

The kiss he planted on top of her head made her blush – for whatever reason. Her hand nonetheless slid down his chest as she turned on her side and began to draw a trail of kisses down his collarbone. Over a decade had passed by and he still shivered under her touch – the warmth of his body under the palm of her hand made her melt, slowly. They shared an odd chemistry that didn't seem to fade away. Perhaps there wouldn't be any "little by little" with them. Instead, it would be abrupt and one day while waking up, they would realize that it was over.

"She is thirteen – going on fourteen. I am sure she can understand the fact her parents need intimacy on Saturday mornings... Especially at nine. She is a teen, Will. So let's face it, she is probably still sleeping and not thinking about pancakes that much."

But as Karen's lips reached Will's stomach – and as if to contradict her affirmation – someone knocked on the door. Making her way up against the pillows, Karen waited for Will to put his shirt on and only once they both had settled down in proper positions in bed, did she reply to the knock.

Hannah came in – stopped on the door frame.

"The heater won't turn on in my room. I am freezing my ass off."

Before Karen had a chance to make any remark concerning the words used by the teenager, Will got up and headed to the kitchen to prepare breakfast – letting his place in the warm bed to Hannah who went straight for it. It had been a long time since they hadn't shared a breakfast in bed – the three of them. It belonged to the long list of rituals that had vanished as adolescence had come up.

"By the way, honey... You didn't tell us what you wanted for your birthday. How about getting your ears pierced? I am sure that it would suit you a lot. And thus you would avoid the infection I had suffered from for doing it by myself above the sink because my mom didn't want me to have my ears pierced."

Karen pushed a strand of hair behind Hannah's ear and gently caressed the lobe – laughing as memories about her disastrous experience came back to her mind. The teenager stared at her lap and shrugged – raised a dubious eyebrow.

"I would prefer a tattoo."

"Yes and I would prefer to be twenty-two. Don't even think about it, Hannah."

"Why not? It is my body. I do whatever I want with it."

Hannah got up – grabbed one of Will's sweaters, put it on - and sat on the bed leaving thus Karen alone under the covers.

"A tattoo is vulgar, Hannah."

"You have one."

"I didn't say that I wasn't vulgar – or used to. Or whatever. Come on... You will get a tattoo if you want to the day you turn twenty-one but not at fourteen. One thing at a time. Let's start with your ears."

The bedroom plunged into a heavy silence – a tough one – that only Will reappearing with a tray in his hands broke down. And Hannah began to smile again. To Will. Karen looked at them both quietly – a bitter envy weighing on her heart. No mattered she was used to it now since it always happened like that.


	4. A Moment Together

**Chapter four – A Moment Together**

I got my ears pierced. I turned fourteen yesterday and I got my ears pierced. It didn't hurt – not really I mean – but now I have to stick to some gold earrings for a while when I would like to wear my mom's emeralds. I don't know where she got them – if someone offered the pair to her once – because she has always refused to tell me about it. But I love the way the gold snakes embrace the lobes – how the little gems on the back of the animal glimmer under the slightest movement. They are beautiful.

We spent the day together – some sort of mother/daughter thing she loves so much. I was reluctant but I didn't find the courage to turn her down for once. She was just trying to be nice for my birthday. I can't say no to every single one of her efforts either. We went to Barney's for a manicure – then got my ears pierced – and had lunch at The Rainbow Room. It is weird to see how everyone knows her there – as if at some point she had been a regular. Perhaps she used to – as a matter of fact, I was told so – but I can hardly imagine her in these places. She must have changed a lot.

We were having a nice time together. I admit it. She can be fun to be around but at some point she ruins it all – just like that, without any warning – and everything falls down. We had just left the restaurant in a pretty light spirit when at the corner of 46th and Broadway, we stopped for a hot drink because of the snow – because it was too cold and the perspective to go back home weighed on us. Julian was there. He is a senior and works at the coffee shop. We talked for a while – randomly – but it resulted enough for her to ask me once we had left if I was dating him. She was smiling ridiculously – and giggling.

I hate when she does that. It is none of her business for it being my private life. Do I ask her about her very own sexual life? Do I ask her what she does with dad when I am not around? Or someone else – I have always wondered whether she had a lover. Because she doesn't match dad at all. Their couple is a bit strange – even more when one knows that dad used to date men. Not that this is something I say to a lot of people anyway. What would they think of my so-called family? Dysfunctional – stupid.

I didn't reply – she took it bad – and we went back home to spend the rest of the day as far from each other as possible. Until dad came back. Finally. I don't know what I would do without him. I would be crazy – she would drive me crazy. We celebrated my birthday at the old Italian restaurant at the corner with everyone: Jack, Grace, Leo, Julia, dad and mom. It was nice – relaxing after the tension that had built in the afternoon. Though at some point when everyone was laughing at Jack's comment about a waiter, I looked at her. She was sat on the other side of the table – next to dad, of course. She seemed lost there. Not at the right place with the right people. As if she didn't belong to the scene at all.

Hannah

…

"She decided to wear a push-up bra. A push-up bra, Jack. As if going to a night club for her fourteenth birthday weren't enough... As much as the club only allows teenagers in. That is it."

More amused by Karen's reaction than the comment in itself, Jack rolled his eyes and closed the door of his apartment – then headed to the elevator. He had a date that evening. A guy he had met at the deli. Some things didn't seem to change through the years finally.

"Hannah is growing up. Let's face it... The little girl is gone. She is planning her own parties – to which you aren't invited but when it comes to pay. At what time do you have to pick her up?"

"She stays at Scarlet's afterward. She will be back tomorrow morning."

"Which leaves you more time to spend with Will."

Jack winked and disappeared behind the doors of the elevator – leaving her alone in the corridor. For a few seconds Karen remained still – almost blank – while a series of invisible questions was dancing in her head loudly. Then – almost by automatism – she turned on her heels and went back inside. Will was in the kitchen preparing dinner. It smelled good – lasagna in the oven.

Closing the door behind her, Karen crossed the living-room and came to stand in Will's back – passing her arms around his waist, leaning her chin on his shoulder. It made him smile almost shyly – she saw it from the corner of her eyes.

"I love you, Will."

Her lips left his shoulder in a kiss for a glass of red wine – her arm sliding along his waist as she came to settle against the counter next to him. It might have been Saturday, they wouldn't go out. For being tired Will had preferred to rent a movie. Then if everything went alright, they would end up in bed for a more intimate moment – like every weekend. Their couple had a routine – an old one – that did weigh a bit if Karen had to be honest.

There was no surprise anymore – no last-minute plan. And yet she knew that Will would always be the only one in her heart.

"I love you too..."

She felt his lips on hers – for a soft, delicate kiss. As he broke apart, she locked her eyes with his and with a barely hidden bitterness let a smile light up her features. If her words had been sincere, she had some doubts regarding Will's. They lacked something – owned the shape of lies. Disillusions over choices.


	5. Leading a Lonely Life

**Chapter five – Leading a Lonely Life**

Sometimes I observe Grace and Julia – the way they interact together. There is a natural complicity between the two of them that is nothing but a mystery to me. Most of people will tell you that it is the mere – if not basic – mother/daughter relation but it looks blurry to me. Confusing.

They tell each other everything – from little secrets to resentment, disappointment. This is how they do work when together. A degree of honesty I have never used myself with anyone – not even with Will. I envy them. It seems so easy whereas with Hannah, it is a complete different scheme. First this silence I don't always know how to deal with – then the lies and reluctant choices. It has nothing to do with the tough years of adolescence – Julia is only ten months younger – no. It is about motherhood – one more time. And how I am unable to face it properly.

Hannah's birthday went well or at least I suppose so. She didn't say a word about it to me – barely gave us a smile and an appreciative nod when I asked about it. Will says that maybe I am too protective and I should let it go but let go of what exactly? We have never been close.

At times – when in bed and that the lights have been turned off – I close my eyes and concentrate very strongly on some sort of parallel life. And what if we had had another child – what if I had been able to build up a relation this time. It is never a boy or a girl but a blurry figure in my head and I could not feel closer to him – to her. It is stupid – especially since I know that it will never happen – but it is a sort of urge that comes within me. And I have to do it. I have to fantasize about impossibilities.

But then Will turns around and holds me tight which sweeps it all away quietly. He had hoped to have several children – I know it. He never told me because... Because of what happened but still. It was so clear – in his eyes – that the day we learned I wouldn't have another child, I had disappointed him.

I don't want to lose him... I don't want to lose him yet I know that little by little he is going away from me. He says that it is because of work – because of stress and a thousand other things – but I am not so stupid. He is growing tired of me. Just like all the other men who shared my life at some point. After a while I am not that interesting anymore. I lose sense to their eyes somehow and this is when they dump me.

I am an ephemeral attraction. I have always been.

Karen.

…

_Just a spark. It can come from anything – the slightest detail that will break down your boring routine. Believe me. It works every time. Trust your feelings for once._

Grace's words were dancing in her head to the point they made her feel dizzy. Perhaps they should not have alluded to it at the office earlier in the day because it belonged to the private sphere but she hadn't had a choice. It had come up by itself and the truth was, it had relieved her chest from a pain. Yes, she and Will were doing alright but they had lost their original spark. Just like that or throughout the years – she didn't know. It had happened and there they were now.

Her foot slid on the edge of the tub as she tried to make it lean against the bottles of shampoo – bubble soap landed quietly on the floor of the bathroom. A door got slammed in the background and sitting up in her bath, Karen waited patiently for Will to stop by. He always went for her when he arrived – for a kiss and random words. In face-to-face. By then the whole world could disappear that they would not have noticed it. A couple of minutes in a monotone existence.

Just as planned, Will softly knocked on the door of the bathroom before coming in. He looked tired and worried.

"Where is Hannah?"

His lips were soft on hers but even if the kiss barely lasted a few seconds, it resulted enough for Karen to notice the smell of cigarette on his suit – cigarette and cologne. It took her aback and she preferred to not mention it.

"At Grace's for a girl night with Julia... I thought that – maybe – we could have a nice, quiet evening at home together. Just the two of us."

His finger stopped drawing invisible circles on her bare shoulder – just as he looked away and frowned with an obvious embarrassment. His reaction made her feel uncomfortable. Yet because she wasn't used to make suggestive first steps – it always came from him – and now it seemed to bother him.

"Are you alright, honey?"

Even her own voice didn't sound convincing at all and her question went to die in the dust of stupidity. She shivered all of a sudden in her bath – no mattered the water was hot against her body. Something was going on and she didn't like it.

"I am... I am... It is just that... Actually, I have to go back to the office. I was thinking about calling you to tell you about it but then I realized that I had forgotten a file here that I needed. So I decided to come back – pick it up – and say hi... I am really sorry, Karen. I... I am very, very busy right now. Too much. But I promise you that soon enough, we will have time for just the both of us. This weekend?"

"We go to your parents' for Hannah's birthday."

"Oh damn... I had forgotten about it. Well, I swear that I am going to plan something for us. Very soon. In the meantime, I really have to go. Don't wait for me."

His kiss on her forehead sounded bare – tasteless – just like the bottle of wine she emptied that evening alone in an apartment that once had been cozy. Now it just looked cold – and lonely.


	6. Happy Birthday From The Family

**Chapter six – Happy Birthday From The Family**

When I was a little girl, we always put some music when going to Connecticut. Dad was singing the tunes with a carefree attitude – mom was humming along, almost shyly. I loved these moments – these journeys – because everything seemed alright by then. Everyone was happy. Now the car succumbs to silence as soon as we close the doors and leave Manhattan – some journalist's voice whispering in the background.

I miss my childhood because of that – this sensation of lightness that embraced us as if we were all new and not too broken before the passing of time. Ten years later everything is over and we are nothing but the shadows of the people we used to be once. The ghost of an attempt to be a family – a real one.

Like my parents. I guess something happened between the two of them when I wasn't there. There is a distance now – a cold one – in their slightest gaze, the words exchanged. There is disillusion and pain – bitterness as well. I don't want them to get a divorce. Their couple might be strange, it is still there and through the years I have been accustomed to it. They are my only references – let's face it – and that in spite of everything.

Dad is driving and none of them is talking. I feel uncomfortable – all of a sudden – for them, not for me though. That's why I chose to write and pretend then that I am too busy to notice something.

Mom is mad at me because I went back to the club last night. I don't see where the problem is. If I had stayed home, I would have spent the whole evening in my bedroom and certainly not by her side for a mother/daughter thing. I don't remember the last time we actually sat down to watch a movie together at home. She had probably ruined the moment with her questions anyway which is why we don't do it anymore. Grace and Julia do it all the time but it is different. Their relation is different.

My head is pounding now – probably the lack of sleep and the perspective to spend the whole day with my grandparents as well as my parents. Unless it is alcohol but we barely had three drinks last night. Li had brought a bottle that she had got from her neighbor. A cheap wine we drank in the toilets – the club not allowing alcohol since people are under eighteen. It was fun but the taste wasn't good – burning my throat and my lungs. Not like the glass of Champagne I occasionally have with my family when there is something to celebrate. I am not sure that I will do it again though – not anytime soon.

If I start drinking, I will look just like mum and I can't stand the idea.

Hannah.

…

"We should have never had this dog..."

Leaned against the French window of the greenhouse, Karen smiled at Marilyn's remark but didn't look at her. Instead, her eyes remained focused on the scene in the backyard – Will and Hannah playing with Chloe, a young dog that George had got from a rescue a few years earlier. It had snowed and the grass had disappeared under a heavy white layer – the footprints on the snow forming an interlace of steps.

Knocking on the window, Marilyn waved at Will and Hannah to announce that the lunch was ready to be served now. The wind came in as they opened and stepped in – snow drops landing quietly on the floor.

"Go wash your hands, honey."

The teenager rolled her eyes at Karen's comment – obviously offended by the idea that she wasn't old enough to think about it by herself – and sighed loudly in an overreacted exasperation before leaving the room in silence. Every day was made of the same – those endless confrontations that almost looked like rituals now – and it drove Karen insane. Quietly enough.

"Look at this little girl and how good Connecticut is on her. Look at her smile – her eyes – she seems to be happy here. She is literally beaming. The exact opposite of what Manhattan does to her... She looks gloomy out there. When I think that you could have a house here instead of this small apartment."

As Will's hand slid on her waist, Karen felt him get tensed. Marilyn's words always had this effect – no mattered the years – and before she had a chance to stop what was coming, Karen swallowed hard and bit her lips as Will's voice interrupted Marilyn.

"Our apartment is cozy and we don't need any bigger place. Actually it is perfect for us – just the right size."

They had alluded once to look for another apartment and had actually visited several places but none of them had caught their attention enough. They had taken it as a sign that the two-bedroom apartment on Riverside Drive had to be the right one.

"Hannah can't go out like here in the backyard. She is stuck inside all day long."

"There is Central Park. She couldn't have a bigger place to enjoy the sun and the grass."

"Manhattan... What a choice to raise a child! It is dangerous and soon enough you will have to face the damages that such a big city does on children who were born there. Going out? Yes. But with the wrong people and at the wrong places – just like her..."

Marilyn stopped halfway as her eyes landed on Karen – as if she had just realized her presence there. A moment of cowardice in her anger perhaps and she chose to go away instead.

"She doesn't hate you..."

Not convinced at all by Will's words, Karen raised her eyebrows and shook her head – looking blankly in front of her just where Marilyn had stood a few seconds earlier.

"No – indeed. She is madly in love with me."

"Impossible... That has to be me."

It must have been his words – as well as the way he turned on his side to pass both his arms around her waist to face her – that made her jump slightly. He had taken her by surprise – completely. And before it, Karen smiled mysteriously – confused. Her reaction troubled Will.

"What? Have I said something wrong?"

"No... No, honey... It is just that... It doesn't sound like you. You don't say that very often to me."

As a matter of fact, he had never said that since the day they had had Hannah. As the wonder began to twirl around in Karen's head, her well-known doubts crept in again. They hadn't spent a single evening together that week – barely felt each other's heat in bed for Will being constantly at the office until late hours, too late to be mentioned. And as Will kissed her lips in a soft kiss, Karen couldn't help assuming that his sudden attention was only there to keep silent his absence - as a couple of excuses.


	7. A World Of Silence

**Chapter seven – A World of Silence**

Her name was Catherine. A tall, blond girl with blue eyes – smart and quiet. A smile identical to the one of an angel. Some people used to say that she looked like a doll – a wealthy one. Her parents held down very important jobs for the pharmaceutical industry and they lived out of town – up on a hill in a Victorian house they had inherited.

Catherine was the perfect girl for everyone – always ready to help the others – with the delicacy of the most gracious ones. Too perfect in a word. She turned out to be the one who brought ecstasy that night and the one who later introduced us to different drugs – different sorts of pills she was getting from her parents without them knowing about it.

I loved the way the world looked blurry by then – smooth as soon as I accepted whatever she gave me. Drugs make you forget about your problems. That's why they are addicting. Soon enough she brought alcohol too and the downfall began. I didn't meet a junkie but a calm, WASP girl from the suburbs. At times appearances have nothing to do with reality. It is important to stick to that.

Hannah made me change drastically. All of a sudden, I gave up the pills – only sticking to the softest if not pure placebos when I needed it – but alcohol is a different story. Completely different. The slightest problem – the slightest doubt – pushes me irremediably to have a drink. Mostly wine but sometimes a Martini seems more appealing. I don't get drunk but whenever something is wrong, alcohol still seems to be the best solution to me.

Hannah hates it – I know it. She doesn't say anything but it is all in her eyes – the way she looks at me. Sometimes I wonder if she isn't ashamed of me. Just as I was of my mother. I hope no, of course. But it could explain the reason why she is more and more distant with me.

She goes out every Friday evening now. Will doesn't seem to mind. I wonder how he can remain calm – almost indifferent before it. He is a protective father but nonetheless seems to find a balance that I am still looking for. And there is this complicity – between the two of them. A trust I don't have access to. Besides he comes back home too late to ever notice the slightest thing.

What kind of people come back from the office around midnight? Most of the times, I pretend that I am asleep but actually I have only closed my eyes. And I listen – try to perceive what he doesn't want to tell me. Like the smell of cigarettes – he doesn't smoke. Like this fragrance – a cologne that isn't his.

A world of silence. We are both plunged into a world of silence from which none of us seem to feel like getting out. But one day we will – harshly, unexpectedly. And it will hurt. It will hurt me.

Karen.

…

She hadn't accepted Jack's offer but abdicated to it after long minutes of unbearable supplications to go with him to a new bar in The Village. It wasn't as if she had had other plans anyway. Hannah spent the night at a friend's – Grace was celebrating Leo's return from some Doctors Without Borders mission – and Will was one more time staying at the office for extra hours.

The place had resulted rather disappointing but they had drunk – too much. For a couple of minutes she had found back the lightness of alcohol and drugs – how it made the world look easier – until she had stepped out on the sidewalk to hail for a cab and seen him. Opposite the street – chatting and laughing with someone she had already seen. Thomas. Will was in The Village with his new associate – the man she had spotted once while waiting at _Serendipity. _

It hadn't hurt. She had simply remained there – on the sidewalk – a bit blank until a cab had finally stopped and taken her away from this nightmare. Along the ride, Karen had thought about Jack – how he hadn't come with her and decided to stay at the club. Somehow it was relieving because he hadn't witnessed a bitter realization: the downfall of her relationship.

But now that she was in bed – all lights on and waiting for Will – anger was boiling in her stomach. He had lied to her – probably a lot of times – and now she felt incredibly stupid.

"You are still awake?"

Will looked surprised as he finally arrived and closed the bedroom door behind him but he went to kiss the top of her head immediately. Too easily – too innocently. She might have been holding a magazine for quite a while, if asked, Karen would have never been able to say what the article on the page could have been about. Her eyes weren't focusing on the words and the letters kept on dancing in front of her.

"Where is Hannah, by the way? I saw that her door was open but the room was plunged in the dark and the bed wasn't unmade. If she sees light coming from our bedroom, she is probably going to think that we are in the middle of some... Intimate moment."

Will looked tired but nonetheless comfortable – at ease – as he settled down in bed by her side. He did not let his light on for a long time. Obviously he wanted to fall asleep the soonest possible – like every night. Silent, Karen observed him adopt a comfortable position and felt his hand slide on her hip.

"I seriously doubt so. Besides, she is at a friend's for the night."

Her reaction – cold – took Will aback. He could have asked her about the exact meaning of her doubt except it sounded cruelly evident. It didn't take that long to realize that they hadn't shared anything for quite a while – mainly because he came back home late every night. The seconds floated above – heavy like a rain pour in July – and as he finally opened his mouth to reply, Karen knew it wouldn't go far.

"Ah... Alright. Have a goodnight, then. I love you, Kare."

He kissed her cheek and closed his eyes – there, only a few inches away from her. She did as well - fists clenched. They were trapped in a world of silence. One more time.


	8. Misconceptions

**Chapter eight – Misconceptions**

It is an accident. It was an accident. I wish I could use the past here though at some point I know that I will because there is no way I go through it. I don't want to – not now. Maybe never actually if I think about it. At times, it seems obvious that I am not made for it because I lack the right references. Look at my so-called family... We don't make sense at all.

Dad and mom argued. I am sure that it is her fault – as usual. I don't know when it happened but they don't speak to each other that much now. It is becoming ridiculous – and sad. A bit shameful too.

Yesterday we played Monopoly – I am seriously getting pissed at this monthly little ritual – and she didn't sit next to dad. No, instead she went for the other side of the table – joking with Jack - pretending that it was just fine, that they were doing just fine. But it was too obvious. The slightest gaze was cold if not icy. Does she ever realize the chance she has to have him? Does she ever realize that if she goes on like this, she will lose him? And I will lose him too – let's face it.

And now "this" happens – as if I didn't have to go through enough things. I told Julia about it. She is a bit of a sister for me – the twin I wanted to have as a kid. We grew up together and I know that she can be trusted. We are very different but complete each other – a bit like Grace and dad.

She didn't panic. We were having a smoothie at this new place just at the corner of 86th street and Fifth Avenue when I told her about it. About my doubts – to be more precised. Julia is very mature for her age. A lot more than I am. She got control of everything and I simply followed – quietly. Looking a bit too much like mom when I think about it. Jack doesn't stop saying that she is a leader but personally, I see her as a loser.

Time went faster suddenly. It was like jumping from cloud to cloud in a whirl of comfort – something I really needed. I will never thank Julia enough for it. Except that now I am home – facing it. I can't... I can't touch it – barely look at it. I can't do this. I don't want to know. Let's just start it all over from the very beginning, okay?

It is an accident. It was an accident. It has to be.

Hannah.

…

"What is wrong with you?"

Closing the door of the apartment quietly behind her – after having prevented Hannah from slamming it outrageously – Karen abandoned her handbag on the couch of the living-room and followed the teen to her bedroom. Like every Thursday, Karen had picked up her daughter at school but instead of stopping for muffins on the road back to Riverside Drive, Hannah had been dreadful. Sharp comments that most of the passers-by hadn't missed to Karen's highest embarrassment.

"Leave me alone! This is my bedroom – not yours. Damn this apartment is small enough that invading my own space just turns ridiculous. Go away!"

"I won't as long as you won't tell me what is wrong. You lacked respect towards me. Actually, you have been lacking respect towards me for a very long time so now I want you to give me explanations about this. Right now!"

Karen had always felt in the way during their arguments – not because it comforted her in the idea that Hannah preferred Will but because it didn't sound right. She felt ridiculous when trying to be a mother – a real one. It just didn't work out.

"Then I hope that you have plenty of time ahead of you because I have absolutely nothing to tell you."

Hannah was stubborn – she had always been. Once Lois had said that she looked just like Karen at the same age – and that it wouldn't be easy at some point. Karen had smiled at the comment and shaken her head in defiance but now that the years had passed by, she had to come to the conclusion that Lois had been right. Too right. And it couldn't go on like that.

"I am sure that your father will be very happy to learn about it as soon as he comes back."

A long time later, she would still remember Hannah's laugh – bitter and cold. It resounded loud in the room – to the point it hurt and made Karen look down, confused.

"If he ever comes back! Look at you... Look at him... You pretend that everything is alright but I am not stupid. He is never here and you two constantly argue. Dad is going away slowly – from you, from me. And one day he will just stop coming back here. Because of you. Because you are awful with him. And it is driving him insane. You are ruining everything. Everything!"

For a few seconds, Karen remained blank – lost. Perhaps in other circumstances, she would have felt a wave of anger spread throughout her body but this time – while standing there – she only realized how pain could be harsh. And unfair.

"You have no idea what you are talking about, Hannah... You have absolutely no idea... And you have no right whatsoever to say this to me."

Her voice had sounded terribly fragile – tears flirting with the corner of her eyes. She shook her head – slowly – but only came to face Hannah's shrugging.

"This is pitiful... You will never stop lying to me."

As Hannah turned around to take her distance with her – closing thus the conversation – Karen went to grab her arm but found a reach on the teenager's bag instead. The movement made the rest and spilled out all the items.

Instinctively Karen looked down at the mess and was about to apologize when she saw it – there, among books and pencils, almost innocently. For a few seconds she remained bare – speechless and unable to make the slightest move. Hannah didn't seem to be able to move either – obviously petrified by the turn the scene had adopted.

"What... What are you doing with this?"

Shaking, Karen squatted down to pick up the box that had slipped out of a plastic bag and while standing up again, locked her eyes with Hannah's. Her heart was beating fast – she was feeling dizzy. Terrified, Hannah looked aside and bit her lower lip.

"Is there anyone here?"

Will's voice made them jump – a chill running down Karen's back. She hadn't heard him arrive but now his steps were clear in the background. Coming towards the room. Without thinking it twice, she turned around and approached the door – smiled at Will as he made it to the frame.

"You are home early..."

"Yes, and I am taking you both to the restaurant. I am finally done with this big file and I want a little celebration. Come on, get ready!"

He looked happy -genuinely happy. Leaning against the door, Karen reached a paper basket put down behind it – hands in her back – and while locking her eyes with Will's, let go of the pregnancy test that landed quietly in the middle of a pile of paper sheets. She smiled back at Will – the same smile she had used so many times with Stanley in the past, effective lies - and locked her eyes with his. Intensely.

"Now this is a very sweet attention, honey. Have you heard, Hannah? Let's get ready for an evening out in the city."


	9. Secrets and Lies

**Chapter nine – Secrets and Lies**

The year I turned fourteen, I got pregnant. I found out on a Tuesday morning – just as I was about to leave for school. It took me aback and for a couple of seconds – while I was looking at myself in an old mirror – I wondered if I ever made sense, if my presence in this world wasn't a mistake – because there was no logic anymore that I could actually found.

I barely thought about the father – perhaps because there was more than one possibility – and in a total anonymity, I went along. It was a small planned parenthood clinic in Buffalo. I remember that one of the social workers was expecting a child – and she constantly smiled, no mattered your own distress. It hurt to see that she had succeeded where you had failed miserably but she was nice and delicate – attentive. I don't remember her name though. I preferred to draw a line under all of this.

I never told about it to anyone – because it is not something I am proud of and that as much as it wasn't the result of an irresponsible attitude. It was an accident. I was on the pill – I used condoms. And yet it happened – I got pregnant.

Hannah is not. As Will was getting ready to take us to the restaurant, I made her grab the test and put a real answer on her doubts. It turned out to be negative but for some reason, it didn't relieve me. A bare minute later Will was calling for us and we were leaving. We didn't talk about it – barely looked at each other. She looked terrified. Of course, she was. She is only a child. I know what it is to face this kind of doubts. I know it too well for her to ever live it again.

I am not disappointed but feel immensely guilty. As a mother – as Hannah's mother – I should have got that something was wrong. I should have guessed it. I should have been there and given her these right advices that a teen needs – no matters I think she is too young for this. I don't even know when or with who it happened – even less where. It is a shame. I wasn't there when my child needed me. Instead my thoughts were all about Will – our couple – and the fact he might be cheating on me. I got away from Hannah – almost forgot about her. And for what? For me. For my stupid doubts.

I am selfish – even now that I have a child. See, this has to prove everything and how I wasn't made for that. I am not meant to be a mother – to have a family. It doesn't work out. It doesn't match with who I am. I lack whatever it takes to be Grace – to be Will – or even Marilyn. I hate it.

Karen.

…

"I prefer the red one..."

Karen jumped – surprised – and looked up in the mirror in front of her just to see Hannah's reflection. She was leaning against the door frame of the bedroom – arms crossed against her chest. It had been a long time since she had used such a soft tone of voice. It almost sounded shy – uncertain. Like implicit apologies. As the words made it to her brain, Karen's eyes landed on the bed next to her and she stayed still for a second – observing the red dress abandoned there. She blushed.

"Oh... Fine. Then I will go with the red one."

Without thinking it twice, Karen unzipped the black dress she had put on and grabbed the red one. She caught Hannah's gaze on her stomach – looked down at it – and instinctively passed her hand over the scar. She would have never got used to it if – through the years – Will hadn't be insistent about the fact it was okay. It had nothing ugly. Just a personal, unique detail that only him got to see – and kiss.

"It is because of you – you know... I didn't want to have a c-section but you didn't give me any choice. You were lacking oxygen and so was I."

Zipping up the red dress and thinking about such a memory, Karen laughed in silence – looked down at her feet. She wasn't good at talking about intimate moments she had lived – she wasn't good at putting words on her feelings.

"Thank you."

Hannah's comment took her completely aback and this time Karen turned around – looking for a direct face-to-face instead of a reflection in a mirror. The teenager shrugged – raised her eyebrows – but kept on looking aside, avoiding Karen's gaze.

"Thank you for not telling dad."

First she hadn't found the right time to tell Will about Hannah's pregnancy scare. Then she hadn't found the courage thus abandoning the idea to ever let him know about it. She would feel guilty for a while – whenever she would find herself alone with him – but it seemed better like that. Not even twenty-four hours had passed by since the whole thing but Karen preferred to turn the page and quickly.

"It is okay... But... Hannah... Perhaps it would be the occasion for you to... I mean... Maybe you could get on the pill."

It cost her telling so – because Hannah was barely a teen. Too young for all of this. Karen's suggestion made Hannah blush and clear her voice nervously but as Jack's voice resounded loud in the living-room Karen shrugged it away in a whisper.

"We will talk about this tomorrow. Your father is waiting for me."

A night out with Will – just what she desperately needed – while Hannah would stay with Jack at home. For once she wouldn't go out. She hadn't asked for it – hadn't mentioned any party. Perhaps things were finally coming back together in a basic logic.


	10. Let's Have a Break

**Chapter ten – Let's Have a Break**

Sometimes I wish she confided in me – that she opened to me and told me a thousand stories, all the things she went through when she was my age. Not the ridiculous anecdotes she comes up with but all these secrets she keeps for herself – as if she were too ashamed of them. She made mistakes – alright – and so what? We all do. Perhaps if she dared to talk to me properly, our relation would change.

I am glad to spend some time with Grace, Leo and Julia. They know what the concept of family is and what it means. They don't overplay it – don't abuse of it. They are just it. A real family. If I had grown up with them – among them – my pregnancy scare would have never happened. Because I would have never got drunk and taken up a stupid challenge just to vaguely remember it the next morning and lose myself in dreadful regrets a few weeks later.

I wish I were born somewhere else – I wish I belonged to another place. With dad – because he means so much to me – but with a mother who wouldn't try to hide things from me, to overprotect me constantly. I hate it.

They are leaving for the weekend – just the two of them, together. Perhaps it is what they need and we will overcome the ridiculousness of our so-called family. Dad seems relieved now that he has finished his case. We see him more as well. But that doesn't mean he won't start again and that soon enough, he will come back home in the middle of the night – on his tiptoes as if to stifle and hide something bad – then disappear again at dawn. I am sure that he spends all this time in bars – maybe in someone else's arms – but what can I do? What can I say? Mom is constantly on his back and if not then simply goes into these fits of jealousy – cold silence – that he can't stand.

I hope that this weekend by the ocean will help them – that mom will take advantage of it to save what is left of her relation with dad. In the meantime, I will put everything aside and focus on my new life – if only for a couple of days – with Leo, Grace and Julia.

Scarlet's birthday is next week. She is my best friend, I have to attend it. She knows about the test and how it turned out to be negative – she didn't say a word to anyone else but still. They start wondering why I stopped going to the club – why I don't go out anymore. Scarlet's birthday will be a sort of come back for me. Am I ready for it? I don't know. But I need to do so.

Hannah.

…

"I am going to prepare lunch..."

His hand slid on her naked stomach – following the caress of his lips on her neck in a delicate game of symmetry – and he finally got up, putting on a pair of boxers on his way to the kitchen. As Will vanished from her sight, Karen rolled on her back and observed the ceiling in silence. She was fine – calm – and for the first time in a very long while, happy. Fully happy.

Going away from Manhattan for the weekend had turned out to be an excellent idea and far from their monotone habits, they were finding back the delicate springs of their relationship – giving sense again to their couple and it was well needed.

All of a sudden, there wasn't any schedule to respect – any time line whatsoever – and it was just about them. Nobody else. Will had held his promise. It warmed up her heart.

Rolling on her side to grab a tissue on the nightstand, her gesture made fall down Will's cell phone on the bed. Picking it up to put it back at its initial place, the large envelop sign on the screen caught her attention as the item began to vibrate. A message – Will had received a message. Automatically, Karen turned around and was about to tell Will about it when she noticed whom it came from.

Thomas – the mere read of his name made her heart beat faster and before she had a chance to think a minimum about it, she opened the message.

_I have found back your cashmere sweater at home._

_You forgot it on the rooftop, it slid under a deckchair._

_Thomas_

She felt stupid suddenly – there, naked in bed after having made love with him. Betrayed as well if she had to be completely honest. Led by an odd automatism, Karen nonetheless got up and went to have a shower – to get ready for the picnic they had just planned on the beach.

They had always loved the off peak season when the streets of the seaside village were empty and the beach seemed to lay there just for them – from the sunrise to the sunset. The purchase of a beach house a decade earlier had been completely impulsive – contrasting with most of their usual decisions – but it surely had been a good thing. Facing the ocean while waking up in Will's arms in the morning – the sun caressing her face through the large windows – had turned out to be one of her favorite moments. Something she would never forget.

"Are you ready?"

Doing her hair in a loose bun, Karen smiled at Will – nodded – and followed him outside on the porch. Three steps down and her bare feet dug in the warm sand. They settled down a bit further but as she looked at him prepare everything – opening boxes, spreading a blanket – her silence didn't pass unnoticed.

"Are you alright, Karen? You are very quiet suddenly."

Thomas – his name was resounding loud in her head, just like the message he had sent to Will. The one she had deleted – deliberately. Everything had started so well. Why did her doubts have to come back and ruin it all again? Accepting a glass of red wine, Karen nodded and settled by Will's side – her head leaned on his shoulder. A bitter smile played on her lips as she felt his kiss on top of her head – his hand protectively passing around her waist. He was attentive – sweet. Too much?

The landscape – the food – and Will's warm voice nonetheless managed to make her relax and little by little, she began to enjoy her time. It was a nice day – early Spring after a long gray winter – when they had all their time. Together.

"I have missed you."

Her confession slid on her lips at the end of the lunch – without any warning. It made her blush and shy enough, she avoided Will's gaze for a few seconds until she felt his hand press her tightly. Reassuringly. He was smiling – brightly. Grabbing their knives and forks to put them back in the picnic basket, he passed his tongue over his lips and frowned – cleared his voice almost nervously.

"I have missed you too, Karen. And... I know that – in spite of these few hectic moments caused by my work – we are doing well... We are living something I wouldn't have even dared to imagine but... I was wondering if... Well... I was wondering if you would marry me."

In a perfect synchronization, his hands took out of the picnic basket a blue little box from _Tiffany's. _Her eyes stared at it in silence – she swallowed hard. Will moved uncomfortably and finally opened the box just in front of her – the aquamarine glimmering in the sun.

"Please, Karen. Marry me."


	11. Between You and I

**Chapter eleven – Between You and I**

I don't know what it is but perhaps I don't really have to either – because it would belong to logic and nothing else. But still, I can't help myself to wonder why I haven't grown tired of Will.

Until I met him, my relationships rarely lasted more than a few years – my feelings having vanished in the first months of the sentimental story. It didn't necessarily have to do with disillusions but monotony that suddenly weighed too much and ended up breaking it all into pieces. I still go through moments of boredom – after all, we have our habits – but for some reason, I never have enough of Will. I love him. I deeply love him.

Too much – and it hurts. Because I constantly doubt. I constantly wonder when he will leave me – how and for whom. This is a part of me that I don't know very well. Yet fifteen years have passed by. Will I ever be able to face the facts – to face the present time and stop worrying?

He wants us to get married. I don't know why – we were doing fine until now. Just like that – without a status that would have to determine everything. All my marriages failed at some point. I can't afford to go through another sad ending – mainly because this time, I deeply love Will – but everything reached such a state of near perfection on the beach that I heard myself answer by the affirmative through a whisper.

We made love – went for long walks on the beach hand in hand – and shared romantic diners by some of the most beautiful sunsets but all along I thought about Thomas. I have never met him yet I have this dreadful feeling to know him too well. What if something had really happened between Will and him? What if it would be the reason why Will ended up proposing? Because he would feel guilty – because my doubts would have reached him and a marriage would have been the only idea he would have come up with to make me forget about everything.

I can forgive infidelity. As a matter of fact, I can't even blame him. I am not perfect and turn out to be a tad exhausting for whoever shares intimacy with me. Men always ended up cheating on me because at no moment did the appearances turned out to be true. My seduction fades away rather quickly and it is when they realize it that they leave me.

I don't want to lose Will. My life wouldn't make sense without him – just as my mother's life stopped as soon as my father died. I don't want Hannah to go through what I lived. She deserves better and if all it takes to prevent it from happening is to accept Will's infidelity then I will – no matters the pain. It will still be better than to imagine my days without him.

I will accept everything for Will. Everything.

Karen.

…

"And... Here we are."

Moving her head slightly on a side to have a look in the mirror that Hannah was holding, Karen smiled at her daughter.

Panicked before the idea to not control her curly hair, the teenager had rushed to Karen in the hope she would get it – that everything would be perfect to head to Scarlet's birthday. Now it did. Karen's finger brushed a strand of hair from her daughter and – sat in her back – she cleared her voice a bit nervously.

"Hannah... Be careful tonight. Please."

The way the teenager got tensed made her slightly jump and immediately Karen regretted her words. It had come up by itself – with honesty. But Hannah stood up from the couch angrily and – fists clenched – she shook her head vehemently.

"You don't trust me..."

Hannah's frustration got stolen by Jack as he opened the door of the apartment and rushed in – followed by Grace. In a bad synchronization, Will arrived from the bedroom with his sport bag – ready to go to the gym with Jack. The teenager left – angry and bitter – smiling nonetheless. To everyone but Karen. Jack broke down the silence that followed.

"Are you ready, Will? I don't want to miss the end of the fitness class. Apparently the instructor is cute like Brad Pitt in _Thelma and Louise._"

Obviously interested, Will raised an appreciative eyebrow before realizing that Karen was there – only a few feet away from him – on the couch. If she thought about Thomas, she didn't let it show and rolled her eyes playfully.

"As long as you simply have a look..."

His kiss resulted soft – too short – on her lips and before she had a chance to add something, Will and Jack were gone. It would be a girls' night with Grace – at home. Through the years they had both gone through these regular meetings when they could talk about anything. It was relieving – if only for a few hours.

Bottle of wine in hand, Grace sat down on the floor next to Karen and proceeded to fill the first glasses. Karen joined her on the floor – and leaned her back against the couch, sipping her drink. Grace started the conversation.

"Julia has a boyfriend."

Karen couldn't help but smile – then shrugged as a sentiment of bitterness invaded her heart. She hadn't gone through that with Hannah because they didn't share anything. She wished it could be different. At least they would have avoided several crisis.

"It could be a lot worse, believe me."

Obviously unconvinced, Grace raised a dubious eyebrow and waited for Karen to go in further details – to highlight her argument. Their friendship had grown stronger through the years and as they both had given birth, something else had occurred – a sort of natural bond that had strengthened the rest. It must be why Karen decided to let go of everything – to let the secrets slide on her lips in a hopeful relief.

"Like a pregnancy scare from your fourteen-year-old daughter."

As Grace's eyes widened, Karen realized that she had just betrayed her daughter – in her back. It made her feel terribly bad and tears beginning to blurry her vision, she looked down at her lap then shook her head in silence.

"What did Will say about it? He didn't tell me."

"He doesn't know... I haven't told him. First I didn't find the right moment to do so and then... Then we didn't have a reason to tell him since the test turned out to be negative. He would have got mad and for what? For nothing. Nothing at all."

"But it isn't nothing, Karen! Besides..."

Grace stopped halfway to have a sip of her wine – change the tone of her voice, adopting a softer one.

"Besides, what is wrong with the two of you? You don't look fine, Karen. In spite of the ring – in spite of the weekend Will proposed you. What is it?"

For the thousandth time, Thomas made it to her mind – hitting hard around – to the point she felt dizzy. But she remained silent and drank away her fears as Grace kept on insisting.

"Are you... Are you falling in a routine? Will doesn't have that much experience with women so maybe you need to... Well, you know. Show him new things."

It still cost Grace to accept the fact that Will had made his life with a woman. It was obvious but for it being with Karen, she made efforts – overcame personal facts. Her attitude meant a lot to Karen – and to Will as well.

"No, we... Yes, perhaps we are going through a down moment but it is okay. It happens."

"Don't let it stay. See, if I often complain about Leo's overseas missions, the good thing is that when he is here, we don't waste time with monotony. Your situation is different with Will but still. Talk to him – show him what you need, and when. It is paramount in the success of a relationship."

Karen nodded – politely and resigned. If only it could be that easy – if only everything depended on a couple of gentle, intimate gestures. If only.


	12. Whatever It Takes

**Chapter twelve – Whatever It Takes**

She told me to not believe in fairy tales – because life had different perspectives and if I stuck to all of these stories, I would be disappointed. I remember her words as if she had just said them – the tone of her voice and the shade of seriousness in her gaze melting into an old, silent pain. Because she had believed in them – she had believed in fairy tales at some point – and had had to pay the highest price at the end.

She told me to not trust men – because they didn't mean what they usually said. Their smiles – the way they make you believe that you are the one – it is all about lies, Machiavellian strategies and once you succumb to their plans reality harms. There was disillusion in her hazel eyes – regret in her voice – as she told me that. The bitterness of experiences – probably.

I believed her – relied on her words – and now that the years have passed by, I know that she was right. Except it didn't change that much and I wasn't ready for that. As a matter of fact, I am ready for nothing in this life – from the abruptness of human contact to the ballet of appearances I face every day. I don't want to belong to that. It doesn't make sense – confuses me.

Life is too dark – I hate it.

She told me to not believe in marriage – because it always failed. Yet she said yes to dad – accepted his proposal – and now they are going to get married. It might sound strange but I don't see the point. They lived all these years without a wedding band on their finger. I grew up with the idea that a couple didn't need to be married to ever succeed – more or less precariously, oddly – and I don't want it to change. I don't want to turn a page and get to...To what – exactly? It won't make us look more like a family. Dad will always be distant and soon enough, we will cease to exist.

Mom doesn't even seem to be thrilled about it. Instead – as if she suddenly remembered the words she had used once with me – she looks tensed, worried. I don't know what is really happening but I have a bad feeling – the sensation that it won't go through a happy ending.

In the meantime I observe and don't say a thing – after all, this is their story. I learn a lot like that – it is the best way to come to your own conclusions and not repeat their mistakes. Anyway I have enough to be honest with my own problems. The ones that haunt me night and day – making me feel lonely, a bit fragile. I wish it all could stop. Suddenly. Abruptly. Immediately. And so what, if it means that I have to stop breathing?

Hannah.

…

"Don't you have anything else to do?"

It sounded like an amused reproach – almost a provocation to push him to keep on kissing her neck as his hands had slid on her stomach suggestively enough. He had headed to the kitchen in order to cook – prepare the dinner – when she had taken a shower hoping that it would release her from the weight on her mind. In vain – and she had stepped out of the bathroom lost in wonders before grabbing a dress to put it on. Will had showed up in the bedroom at this exact moment. And there they were now – his lips wandering on her neck, her head leaned on a side to give him more access.

"This can only take a little while..."

He had invited Thomas – thrown it in the middle of the conversation a few days earlier as if it couldn't be more normal, desperately casual. Will had taken her aback but what could she have said? Panicked, Karen had nodded and smiled – keeping her doubts for herself.

"He is going to be here soon, honey. Let me get ready – please..."

She had wanted to add that eventually they would end up the night this way around – in bed, for some intimate moment – but it would have been a lie, probably. Thomas would sweep it all away quietly. In vain, Will sighed and headed back to the kitchen. He had been extremely sweet for a few weeks now – desperately attentive to her slightest word, even the ones that didn't make it to her lips. He knew her a bit too much at times and she was afraid that he could use this as well.

An hour flew away and all of a sudden Karen found herself shaking Thomas' hand – formally enough. He was good-looking – a lot more than what she had thought in the first place – which didn't reassure her the slightest bit. A charming smile as well – full of seduction.

"I am running out of olive oil and seriously need it to finish a course. I am off to the deli. It is just at the corner... I shouldn't be too long. Besides, it will leave you time to get to know each other better. I am sorry..."

Before Karen had a chance to reply, Will had run out of the apartment and she was facing Thomas with awkwardness – discomfort.

"Perhaps we could go on the terrace... Will has prepared some _hors-d'oeuvres _and there is a bottle of... A bottle of wine."

Nodding politely, Thomas followed her outside. The night was slowly falling over the city through one of these soft breezes typical from Spring. It had been a nice – warm – day. Perfect. She poured wine in a glass and tended it to Thomas. Of course Will hadn't been able to resist such a man – young, full of a barely hidden confidence and good-looking. It hurt deep inside – somewhere close to her heart.

"Don't you have a daughter? Hannah..."

Sipping on her wine, Karen nodded – vaguely relieved that he had made the first step in a conversation.

"I do... I mean,we do. She is in her bedroom with a few friends – friends who happen to live in one of the buildings next door. As a matter of fact, she is about to leave to spend the night over there. She... She turned fourteen back in January."

Will hadn't told him about Hannah – or barely. He hadn't alluded to his own family – hadn't mentioned them to his colleague. Restraining a fit of anger, Karen took another sip of her wine – tried to get rid of the bitter taste her thoughts were leaving on her mind.

"It is hard to believe that you have a teenager. You look like you are about to turn thirty..."

It didn't make her blush. She had heard those ridiculous lies for years and had come to despise them – to simply roll her eyes at them. Except this time, Karen didn't understand. The situation was taking a whole different turn – an unexpected one.

Then everything went fast – too fast. Thomas' hand slid on her waist and bent over to kiss her. Just like that – without any warning but his incredible amount of self-confidence that young businessmen owned just after graduating from the best universities of the country. She had frozen – taken aback by the kiss – and all she could think about was how soft his lips could be. Oddly enough – shamefully enough.

She didn't break apart. Instead, Karen waited for Thomas to do so and only then did she frown – shook her head in disbelief. Looking aside instinctively before asking for an explanation, her eyes stopped on Hannah who was standing in the door frame.

"I am off to Scarlet's."

The teenager's voice had sounded low and terribly cold – her face blank under a quiet anger. Without waiting for Karen to say something, she simply left and slammed the door. The teenager had witnessed the kiss.

She should have gone after Hannah. She should have run after her daughter and said something – made things clear. But instead, Karen remained on the terrace – ridiculously enough – and whispered almost apologetically to Thomas that she wasn't interested. She wasn't this kind of woman and would never be.


	13. Just Another Night

**Chapter thirteen – Just Another Night**

Every time Will touches me, I think about Thomas – not in the way I used to, though. Instead, there is this wave of guilt that spreads from my mind to my heart and makes me feel terribly bad. Because it turned everything upside down – from my own thoughts to my relation with Hannah – and I don't know what to do, even less say. I can't talk about it to anyone. It weighs – in a latent way.

I don't think that Will noticed the slightest thing. I hope my behavior didn't lead him to have doubts about me. I wish I could say the same for Hannah – because she didn't have to witness it. But it was just a kiss – a stupid adult thing – a bare kiss that has no importance at all. Yet I know that it means a lot for her – too much, as a matter of fact. Instead of letting her anger explode, she fell into an odd silence that takes me aback.

She won't talk to me. I have tried – over and over – but she won't say the slightest word. Will thinks we have argued – one more time. He sticks to appearances way too much but can I really blame him? After all, it is a pretty unusual scenario. A shameful one.

As for Thomas, he has turned mysteriously invisible – even in Will's conversations. I seriously doubt he told Will anything regarding the kiss but he nonetheless seems to have understood that it wouldn't do it with me. Yet they work together – especially right now with some new client. That's why Will spends a lot of time at the office again – bad timing to give a semblance of unity to our family.

This reminds me of Stanley – of all the men who at some point cheated on me. It is strange to now be leading the role they had once. Or so – because I haven't done anything. Not really. Have I? I can't say to be honest. I have doubts. Perhaps my couple hasn't been damaged but my relation with Hannah has clearly suffered from it – as if we needed that in the first place.

Yesterday Julia stopped by the office. I couldn't help but observe her with Grace – the way they talked to each other – then compare with Hannah and me. When did it go wrong? Why can't I have the same relation with my own daughter? They do have conflicts – minor ones – but there is still this complicity. Are we just – Hannah and I – too different to ever come to this?

Karen.

…

"Hannah... What is wrong, sweetheart?"

Hand on the door knob, Karen suddenly stopped halfway – taken aback by the teenager's sobs – as she had just come in to tell her that she was going to Jack's. Hannah had come back from school an hour earlier and headed straight to her bedroom without a word – barely a gaze – for Karen and there she was now, crying on her bed.

As Karen's voice pierced the air, the teenager suddenly sat up on her bed before rushing to the door in an angry motion.

"Can't you just leave me alone? Go away!"

Karen made a step backward but nonetheless stopped. They needed to talk – about a thousand things – starting with Thomas or the reason why tears were running down Hannah's cheeks right now.

"Why are you crying? Tell me what is wrong, honey. I... I can help you – maybe."

What was it that every time an argument built up between them both, Karen felt like she was just the weakest one? It wasn't logical. She was an adult – obviously owned more self-confidence than a mere teenager. And yet... It used to be the same with Olivia and she hated that.

"I have friends for that. I don't need you around."

Hannah looked like Will – from her temper to her delicate features. Instead of making her feel weak, it seemed that anger actually strengthened her determination. She loved fighting because it was when she was in control of everything. Karen was the exact opposite.

"Though at times it is better to confide in your family – in your relatives..."

Hannah laughed – loudly, openly – then shook her head in disbelief. It had to be the accumulation of a hundred things – unsaid regrets and incomprehension. She was raging.

"Family? Now this has to be the best! What kind of family are you talking about? Dad being at work all the time? You desperately clutched to your doubts? My lack of siblings? Though yes... I do understand now why I am an only child. Obviously having to deal with babies would have been an obstacle to you sleeping with dad's colleagues! You are just a fucking slut!"

The slap resounded loud and made them both freeze – Karen's hand shaking long seconds after having made contact with Hannah's cheek. It had never happened before. Fourteen years without such gesture. Obviously even angrier, Hannah grabbed the door and pushed it violently – obliging Karen to make a step backward.

"Now leave me alone!"

Instinctively - to avoid being hit by the door - Karen stepped backward but nonetheless put her hand in front of her to slow down the upcoming slamming.

The pain spread throughout her body. She screamed.

…

"Does it hurt?"

Hannah's voice was soft – extremely insecure – and contrasting with the anger she had used a couple of hours earlier. It warmed up Karen's heart and staring at the bandage on her wrist, she shrugged it away. The doctor had just left them to go and fill out some forms – the murmurs of the ER passing by the opened door of the room.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, mom. I really didn't..."

Sitting up more comfortably on the edge of the bed, Karen smiled – kept on staring her injured hand. It didn't have to go this way. It couldn't turn like that.

"I didn't mean to hurt you either, Hannah... He kissed me – taking me completely aback. When all this time I had assumed that your father was sleeping with him. Talk about irony..."

Perhaps the teenager was too young to ever hear such things but at this point of the night, Karen didn't care anymore. It had to go out – and now. It wasn't the right time – even less the right place to do so – but if they didn't talk now then they would never do at all.

"His name is Julian."

For a few seconds, Karen got confused by her daughter's comment. It didn't make that much sense until she realized that Hannah was alluding to her previous cries and by talking about her own problems, she turned the page over Thomas.

"Is he the boy with whom you... You know... And he doesn't want to see you again, does he?"

Looking at her lap, Hannah timidly nodded at Karen's first incomplete question then shook her head to respond by the affirmative to the second one – almost shamefully.

"Oh honey, come here."

As Hannah accepted her arms and burst there into silent tears, Karen wished that they could play it all backwards – that for the first time they would feel close to each other, it wouldn't have to be for broken hearts.


	14. Moving On

**Chapter fourteen – Moving On**

Last night I dreamed that my parents were getting married on a small island in Greece. The sun was shining over the sea – embracing the white houses of an invisible, warm veil – and people I didn't know were there, smiling brightly. Everyone seemed happy but me. The scene was incomplete - too bare and on the extreme opposite of what I have known so far.

Perhaps I need references – more than the average crowd – because I hate changes. They scare me and when I have no choice but to face them, I do a few things that I deeply regret afterward. Like spraining mom's wrist even though it was unintentional. She said to dad that it had happened because of a draft – that she had tried to hold back the door and it had nonetheless got slammed. I felt bad when she did so because I forced her to lie – I forced her to make up a story to the man she is sharing her live with. Just to protect me – to keep under silence my ridiculous behavior.

I know that she will never read this but since I am simply unable to say it out loud then here it comes: I am sorry, mom. I am really sorry.

It is Jack who suggested that the wedding should take place in Greece – because we are all going there this summer and we couldn't find a better place for the ceremony. If Grace seemed to be thrilled by the idea, I can't say that the reaction from dad and mom was the same. Instead they mumbled that they had to think about it and eventually take a decision soon. The truth is that they don't even seem to feel like getting married anymore. Then why proposing? And why accepting?

I don't understand them – the way they work. To be honest, I am not even sure that they actually get it themselves. As far as I can remember, we have never been like the others – like Grace and Leo or any of my friends' family. Mainly because dad and mom are different. They have no logic whatsoever as a couple. Do they match? Oddly enough but still, their relationship has no evidence to me.

How am I supposed to go on? Their precarious relation makes me sick – because what if, what if one day they realize all of this? They aren't made for each other – dad's soul mate is Grace and will always be – but for some reason they decided to have a child together. Perhaps I was their last chance and a bit out of pique. But this isn't enough to be happy and succeed in a relationship. This isn't enough for me – this isn't what a family is supposed to be.

Hannah.

…

"What happened to her hair?"

Her eyes going from Marilyn to Hannah, Karen frowned – shrugged, a bit disillusioned. The breeze on her neck made her shiver a little but she nonetheless smiled peacefully.

"She decided to straighten it."

It was a nice Sunday spent in Connecticut. In the shadows of an old oak tree – sat on a porch swing of Will's parents' backyard – time seemed to be slowing down with a delicate softness. The rumors of New York were far and it was all she actually needed. To go away – for a while.

"But she had such beautiful curly hair..."

Disappointed by Hannah's decision, Marilyn went away to the teenager – plate of cookies in hand – to offer her some. Something had changed in Hannah's behavior since the night at the ER. If her relation with Karen seemed to have softened a little, the teenager had plunged into a heavy silence and decided to change her looks drastically.

Sat on the garden hammock, Will sighed loudly and bit his lower lip – confused. The hours spent at the office were becoming exhausting but most of all, were keeping him away from whatever happened in his family – starting with Karen's accident. She hadn't even called him when at the hospital – because it would have been pointless, had she said. Because she hadn't wanted to disturb him.

"Are you sure that Hannah is alright, Karen?"

He was worried for his daughter and she couldn't blame him. The teenager had stopped smiling and had lost most of her appetite. She looked sad – was sad.

"She is going through a bad patch but she will overcome it. Don't be worried, honey."

"What if she doesn't?"

All of a sudden, Will seemed to have lost his self-confidence – the one that made of him a good lawyer – as if when it came to his daughter, things looked too blurry to ever be determined. It surprised Karen but she didn't make any remark related to it – only held his hand tight instead.

"She will – because she isn't alone. We are here and anyway... Time heals."

Will had asked her over and over about the reason of Hannah's sudden sadness but she had stayed silent every time. It wasn't her role to tell him about the teenager's sentimental disillusions. If someone had to do it then it was Hannah – yet if she wanted to.

"Okay, I trust you."

For a few seconds, Karen forgot the bandage on her wrist and moved around to settle further- leaning accidentally on her injury. She gasped and instinctively held her wrist with the other hand – making a face as pain spread over her body.

"Karen... Please... Next time there is a draft, just let it slam doors and windows."

Sweetly, Will grabbed her wrist and planted a kiss on the bandage – his eyes locked with her hazel ones playfully. For not being extremely demonstrative, his gesture made Karen blush and she looked away a few seconds – observed Hannah on the other end of the backyard, playing with George's dog quietly.

"Have you ever cheated on me? Have you ever thought about doing so?"

The question took Will aback – because it came from nowhere and as much as they were alone on the garden hammock, it wasn't a private place at all. Not an intimate moment. For a few seconds he stayed still – as if looking for the reason why Karen was asking him such a thing – then finally shook his head while a smile played on his lips.

"No – I haven't. Have you?"

She thought about Thomas – about the way he had taken her aback that evening on the terrace of their Upper West Side apartment. It was just a kiss – wasn't even mean to happen if she had to be honest.

"No – I haven't either, honey."


	15. A Couple Of Words

**Chapter fifteen: A Couple Of Words**

Sometimes I miss Stanley. I miss this relation we used to have – made of disillusions and bitterness for not having been right in the past. We shouldn't have got married because we didn't make that much of sense together or at least not on a sentimental level and yet I miss 'us' – this strange couple we were.

I miss the mansion and our evenings by the fireplace – sipping a Brandy while the scent of Stan's cigar floated around almost reassuringly at the end. We had become references for each other. It might sound strange but from the precarious base of our relation, we nonetheless found something to clutch to – this being ourselves. A bit out of pique, probably. It wasn't a fake marriage but a failed one. Actually I even wonder if at any moment we had a reason to be together. And yet I nonetheless miss him.

It isn't that I don't like my present life with Will and Hannah. It has to do with a melancholy for a past – no matters it was everything but right. And the fact I can't even see Stanley from time to time since he has died. He wasn't a bad man – on the contrary. He was sweet to me – almost apologetic for not being able to bring me proper happiness.

I am leading a small – quiet – existence now. As much as I still attend a few charity events and socialite parties, it isn't the same anymore. It changed even more the day I gave birth to Hannah. A child makes a whole life get new perspectives and one more time, I am not sure that I was ready for that. Hannah was an accident – a fortunate one, of course – and I can't help thinking that it is the reason why we don't get along that much. Perhaps she felt it during my pregnancy – she felt that I wasn't ready and I had no idea how to deal with it.

This and the fact I miss Stanley make me feel bad – almost as much as Thomas' kiss. I had thought that I had turned the page over it but whenever Will comes closer – whenever he lets me understand that he wants something intimate – I can't help feeling guilty. Yet I know that I shouldn't tell him – because it would only make things get more complicated for absolutely nothing. I have never wanted to cheat on him. I have never wanted to be kissed. I have never wanted all of this. Never.

It must be why I miss Stanley at the end. I wasn't in love with him so things couldn't turn complicated.

Karen.

…

"Have you found one?"

Jack's voice made her jump for being loud in the distance – coming from the living-room where he had decided to stay as she had gone for a pencil in Hannah's room. He had showed up just after Will and the teenager had left for an afternoon together in the city – one of these afternoons Karen always wondered about for not being invited – and a couple of magazines in hand, Jack had suggested to fill quizzes.

They were all wedding related – all about white dresses and cakes, guest lists. For some reason, it had made Karen's heart beat faster and all of a sudden she had felt embarrassed. Nervous. Heat rushing up her cheeks, she had stood up and headed to Hannah's room for a pencil – allowing thus herself a couple of seconds of rest.

"Not yet... Give me a moment, honey."

With – mysteriously enough – shaking hands, Karen opened a drawer where her daughter used to leave some pens. It didn't take long before her fingertips brushed one but as she grabbed it and proceeded to take it out, her large bracelet dragged along a notebook that fell down on the floor. By automatism, she went to pick it up – grabbing it by the middle as it had opened – and while she was about to put it back to its original place, her eyes accidentally caught a few words. Harsh ones – tough ones. Which must be why Karen suddenly stopped and began to read the text that Hannah had written down.

_I hate her. I deeply hate her._

Even long after Jack would have left – long after Will and Hannah would have come back home – the words would still haunt her mind. They would still hurt – deeply, heavily – as they wouldn't stop hitting her ears in silence. Hannah hated her. Hannah couldn't stand her. Hannah thought that she was a loser.

"What is wrong with you? You have barely talked during dinner – barely made the slightest comment after... What is happening, Kare?"

Cuddled against Will in bed, Karen avoided his gaze as his question resounded low – almost soft. She had read their daughter's diary – had crossed limits and probably betrayed Hannah one more time to her highest shame. She couldn't talk about it as much as what she had learned didn't stop hurting.

"Nothing special... I was just wondering where my mom could be – and whether she had a chance to be here when we get married."

They hadn't even settled a date – barely mentioned it a few days earlier while witnessing newly-weds heading out of a local church on The East Side. Actually, she didn't even mind whether Lois could come – she was used to her mother's absence. Bitterly used to it.

"I am sure that she will be able to attend it."

Will understood that Karen had lied but he didn't insist and planted a goodnight kiss on the top of her head instead – then turned the light off.

A light from a building opposite the street was piercing through the window – sliding in silence over the furniture, the hardwood floor. Karen focused on it – pale silver ray – as Hannah's feelings towards her were twirling around in her head. These were only a couple of words that she had herself foreseen a few years earlier for Hannah's tenth birthday at _Serendipity. _But still... Perhaps she had hoped that none of this would happen – that her daughter would never come to such conclusions. In vain.

Besides it had stirred up Karen's curiosity and now she felt like reading more of Hannah's diary. It was wrong and she knew it but she couldn't help it. If her daughter refused to talk to her, maybe the diary would answer her interrogations. If only...


	16. Little Steps Out

**Chapter sixteen – Little Steps Out**

They have beautiful names – names out of the ordinary that immediately justify their looks and this nonchalant attitude, completely artsy. I am even surprised that they accepted me in the first place – the classic if not boring Hannah.

It is about sophistication and a certain casualness I stare at with envy – because it isn't natural for me – and I hope that they won't realize it anytime soon. For the very first time, I am hanging out with some people who have charisma and talent. Eloquence to die for.

It is different. I have a feeling that this summer is going to be different. Perhaps it is this change I have wanted to live – and it is finally happening, after so many years. I will never be thankful enough to all of them for having accepted me when I am just a pale imitation to their real personality. Ruben, Violet, Capucine and Vadim whose parents are artists – ambassadors and famous journalists. We don't belong to the same world and yet they think I deserve theirs – truly.

Of course I miss Scarlet and Julia – as well as the others from school, from the club – but these summer art classes are the best that could ever occur to me. Besides, they make me forget that at times, I feel so lonely – fragile, a bit lost. I have new friends and a whole new page of my life to begin.

Mom seemed relieved when I talked about the summer classes. She probably thought that it would help me to forget Julian and a rather gray end of the year at school. She even lets me go out every night – as long as dad is okay too. Ruben's parents have a house in Chelsea – its roof is perfect for star gazing and look at the hours pass by in the warm nights of Manhattan. I just feel embarrassed when they ask me where I live and if they can come. I don't want them to see how small the apartment is. They would not say the slightest thing but I am sure that the very next day, they would stop talking to me. If only mom and dad had bought a townhouse – even in The Upper West Side – then I would match better my new friends' own lives. Our situation – while we have money – makes me uncomfortable. Another reason to blame mom.

Within three weeks, we are going to Greece and if the perspective to spend some days on an island was appealing, it has now changed for me. I want to stay here. I want to stay and hang out with everyone. I don't want it to cease. Not yet. Not now. I need to convince mom and dad about it. It won't be easy.

Hannah.

…

"The last time I saw you drink a lemonade, you were pregnant. Do you have a special announcement to make, Karen?"

Smiling politely at Grace's amused remark, Karen rolled her eyes and remained quiet – sipping on her drink instead. If she had listened to her own desires, she would have ordered a Martini but she still had in mind what Hannah had written about her in her diary. Her daughter considered her as an alcoholic – or so – and Karen couldn't stand the idea.

She had gone back to Hannah's bedroom to read more about the teenager's diary. As wrong as it was – because she couldn't help it. The summer schedule helped her a lot – especially these art classes that a bit at the last moment Hannah had been willing to take. Not that it was completely surprising. After all she had always loved painting – and was pretty good at it. Karen had seen it as a sign that slowly things were going back to normal and Hannah had new projects in mind – at last.

"I was just very thirsty. Perhaps we shouldn't have gone and played tennis with this heat."

She hadn't been to The Country Club for ages but while waking up in the morning – facing the perfect blue sky – Karen had felt like going there for the afternoon and had invited Grace to come along. She knew that her friend needed to go out for a while – Leo being back in Cambodia for a mission and Julia staying at her grandparents' place for the week. It had been a good idea in itself and after two hours on a tennis court, they were now having a drink on the terrace of the luxury club. Peacefully.

"If you say so... By the way, Hannah seems to do just fine. I saw her in Chelsea by the school of arts a few days ago. She was with a couple of other students – laughing around. When she had seemed a bit sad these past few months."

Karen adjusted her sunglasses and looked aside at some people passing by – tennis rackets in hand. It was a peaceful place she had always loved – in spite of the gossip going on, the stolen gazes. Socialites had a tendency to develop rumors anyway. Probably to keep them busy in their boring existences.

"She does. Actually, I barely see her anymore. She leaves early in the morning – stops by for dinner – then go out again with her new friends. She is enjoying her summer... It could be worse, I suppose. Of course I wouldn't mind if she wanted to spend more time with me but she has other priorities..."

Yet she was glad to see that Hannah was finally smiling again. She had even stopped straightening her hair and seemed to go back to her real self – or at least the one she showed in public because what she wrote down in her diary didn't always match with this.

"Oh come on! For once... Don't be so exclusive. Besides, it gives you more time to spend with Will."

For once – the expression took Karen aback and she couldn't help but frown, nonetheless staying silent. She was never close to Hannah. She never spent time with her. Or certainly not as much as Grace and Julia did. Hannah's summer absence wasn't an exception. It was their reality. How come Grace assumed that it was the exact opposite?


	17. Let's Keep Some Memories

**Chapter seventeen – Let's Keep Some Memories**

She can't hate me. It isn't possible – mainly because I am her mother and she can't innately hate me. Just as I didn't hate my mother when I was Hannah's age. It was more about a sentiment of frustration than anything else. It has to be the same with my own daughter. I can't fail on that – I really can't.

Maybe Greece will smooth the situation and she will abandon her harsh words towards me. Traveling to another country – living under different circumstances – might help us out. As much as she is very angry right now because we refused that she stayed in Manhattan – alone. Her silence during the flight was almost embarrassing. Sometimes, I feel like shaking her – make her realize how lucky she is at the end in her life. But I don't dare because I lack the courage to do so. I pretend to not notice the slightest thing and soon enough the page is turned. Quietly.

The house is beautiful – lost in the middle of the village – overlooking the sea. It is a quiet place where the sun seems to slide along the walls in a maternal embrace. I woke up this morning to the sound of a couple of sailing boats leaving the harbor – the metallic sound of the masts accompanying the fly of the seagulls. The girls had already left for the beach. I assume that we won't see them before lunch now.

Julia and Hannah have one of those troubling relations – close like the sisters they never had. At times, I just have the feeling that Will and Grace's friendship found an echo in our respective children. As if it were logical – and natural. I only wish Hannah were as easy-going as Julia is. Perhaps soon enough she will. Hopefully. I don't do well with a teenager's crisis.

Grace and Leo went for a walk through the village – Will and Jack decided to visit the market. I stayed on the terrace of the house to enjoy the morning – the sun on my skin and the bright colors of the walls, the blue sky. It isn't the first time that I come to Greece. But it has been a while.

I had just got married – to Stanley. Yet now I am not sure whether it was supposed to be a honey moon or just some vacations overseas. Nothing ever got completely defined with him – not even the failure of our relationship.

I haven't told Will about it because I know that he would have wanted to cancel. It isn't that he doesn't like whatever I lived in the past but he seems afraid of it – for whatever reason. And I wanted to come back here. I wanted to see Greece again – because I love this country.

Yet it is strange to be here – two decades later – with my daughter who is a teenager. By then I had no idea whether I wanted a child in the first place. I seemed to have all the time in my life. What happened that now the scheme is so different? What happened to the woman I was?

Karen.

…

"This red suits you so well..."

Abandoning the reading of her magazine for the contemplation of her toes, Karen smiled at Jack as he rolled his eyes with envy and exaggeration. Carefully enough, he put back the nail varnish bottle on the table and turned around to look at the sea.

"This is the color you should wear for your wedding."

The word made her jump – move uncomfortably on her seat – and a bit in vain, Karen looked for help around. Anything that would get her out of a situation she didn't know how to handle properly.

"Yeah, we will see honey. Can you give me the sunscreen, please?"

Jack did but also took his sunglasses off and after checking that they were alone on the terrace of the house, he frowned – perplexed.

"What is wrong with you? Why do you avoid any conversation related to your wedding? Don't tell me you have argued with Will again... Though and so what? You constantly do."

She had hoped that he wouldn't mention the wedding. She had hoped that the subject would remain in Manhattan with all the rest and she would be able to enjoy Greece fully. As slowly as possible, Karen began to apply sunscreen on her pale arms – no mattered she was standing in the shadows, she knew it was necessary considering her complexion. She needed to win time – to find an excuse that Jack would buy – and everything would be alright then. Absolutely everything. Just like in the past.

"Nothing is wrong, honey. We just haven't settled down a date yet so why talking about it so early? It is a bit... A bit exaggerated."

Jack didn't seem convinced at all. On the contrary, it made him burst out laughing.

"Oh come on! When Olivia told her that she was getting married, you began to plan everything and yet you hadn't seen her for ages. Same for Grace... You love weddings, Karen. You are obsessed by them. I don't understand why – all of a sudden – you feel so distant to your very own one. Have I missed something here?"

"It isn't the right moment. That is all, Jack."

She had been harsh – obviously annoyed by her friend's insistence. Thankfully enough, he didn't seem to pay attention to it and while playing with the nail varnish bottle, simply shrugged.

"You have been together for like fifteen years... How come it isn't the right time?"

As Will, Leo and Grace passed the doors of the house, a sentiment of relief invaded her. They had gone to the market to buy local products for the dinner. Julia and Hannah were in their room – getting ready for the evening. A ball was held on the village square and the teenagers had decided to go to it.

"What were you talking about?"

Will's kiss on her lips almost resounded bare but she nonetheless accepted it and pretended she hadn't noticed anything – that it was just a kiss, like any other one. Perhaps it came from her anyway – and how the conversation with Jack had left her on her guards, tensed.

"Nail varnish, honey. We were talking about nail varnish."

Lies – as she sipped them away through a glass of wine, Karen hoped that she would keep some better memories from Greece in mind.


	18. Star Gazing

**Chapter eighteen – Star Gazing**

I have traveled a lot – to different countries – but there is no place that made me forget New York the way Greece did. I don't miss the buildings anymore – the parks – and the boiling life of the metropolis. Instead, I have slowly fallen in love with the quietness of the Greek seaside village. There is something special about it – something that sounds reassuring. I don't know what it is – whether it has to do with a total absence of references – but I love it.

I miss my friends but I am not looking forward to going back home. I want to face the white houses – a bright sun in the morning – and the blue sky for a long time before finding myself back into a gray life. Besides, I feel free here. In peace. It is an odd sensation but a very addicting one. I am happy.

Every evening, Julia and I go out with a few people we have met here. They are all from Athens where we should go at the end of the week but their grandparents still live here, in the village. So they come – spend the summer here with them. They have a strong family spirit with traditions – and stories. I could listen to them for hours even though at the end it makes me feel a bit empty for not having the same.

It should always be like that once a couple has a child. It should always come up with anecdotes and a powerful desire to not forget who we are – and why. While I barely know my mom's past – barely get an insight. At least from dad's side, it is a bit more definite but yet they don't have any family spirit. It all seems like obligation – all the time. And at the end, nobody gives a damn.

I haven't mentioned it to Julia because she wouldn't understand. She might not have siblings but she is not alone like me. She has cousins, grandparents always happy to see her – eager to spend some time with her – and aunts, uncles whom she visits more than once a year.

I wish I were Greek. I wish I were born here – as much as I love Manhattan. I wish I could stay here – definitely.

But it won't happen and the only satisfaction I have is that I will see Scarlet again – but most of all the guys from the art school. And even though the colors in New York aren't as limpid as they are here, we still will go spend evenings on rooftops – star gazing.

Hannah.

…

"Thank you..."

As she released it from her fist, Karen's hair fell down on her shoulders and brushed her skin lightly. Will did not stay in her back and once he zipped up her dress, just walked to the other end of the bedroom to put on a shirt. The night fell early in Greece – a multitude of small lights suddenly appearing at every corner – but the blue sky remained, only darker. Looking soft like velvet.

The last few days had been perfect – calm and relaxing enough. She hadn't argued with Hannah – at the same time it would have been hard considering the teenager was rarely home – and Jack hadn't alluded to her wedding again. Little by little, a new routine had settled down – made of long hours at the beach and quiet walks in the sun with Will. Endless evenings on the terrace of the house with her friends. She couldn't have dreamed of a better summer – at absolutely no moment.

"Are you ready?"

A last gaze in the mirror and Karen nodded at Will – left the bedroom, following him. The seaside village was celebrating its patron saint – with a local band playing, folkloric dances. They had all decided – a bit out of curiosity – to attend it.

The square of the village was a typical one – with a tree in the middle where the eldest ones met up in the afternoon to chat for a while. For the special occasion, a stage had been installed as well as various multicolored electric tinsels. The place was crowded – the murmurs of the conversations around mixed to the music. The result was bewitching.

Immediately, Karen saw Hannah and Julia on the other side of the square. The teens were talking to their friends – laughing loud, a coke in hand. If they all spoke English, Hannah had said that she wanted to learn modern Greek once they would go back to Manhattan. It had surprised Will – and amused Leo – but her desire seemed to be more than a mere whim to Karen and it made her proud. Mysteriously enough.

They sat at one of the tables of the only cafe and if her friends began to talk – joke around – Karen just stayed silent, observed them. It was a nice evening. It had been a nice day and the general lightness that had carried them away until now seemed to strengthen quietly.

For some reason, Karen began to think about the first years of their friendship – when Stanley was still alive and that Grace lived with Will. Time passing by seemed to have taken away all of this – a bit heavily – but all of a sudden, Karen had the feeling to be back at the very beginning. Their beginning. And she loved it.

Except at some point, Will's hand slid on her thigh – making her come back to reality a bit harshly. Not that she regretted the gesture in itself but still. It left a bitter taste on her mind – dark shades, suddenly.

"Look at the sky..."

Will's voice against her ear – soft, delicate – made her jump but she immediately looked up. Through the branches of the tree, the stars were glimmering brightly – contrasting with the blue velvet of the sky. Karen swallowed hard and settled further in her seat.

"One... Two... Three... Four..."

And before she had a chance to say "five", a falling star passed by – made her smile. They hadn't done that in years. As a matter of fact, they had stopped when Hannah had turned five – for whatever reason. But all of a sudden – and so far from Manhattan – Karen found back the lightness of her very own time with Will as she observed in silence the shooting star.

"You see, Kare... Everything is alright."

It used to be their game and just theirs. If the falling star appeared before they counted til five then their love would be an endless one. It had always worked until now.


	19. She Will

**Chapter nineteen – She Will**

The year I turned fourteen, I ran away from home – a sort of prelude to what would happen a couple of years later except I had no idea about it by then. One evening and after an umpteenth argument with my mother, I packed a few things in a bag and left. Just like that – without any warning. Buffalo wasn't but a far souvenir already and we had made it to Alabama a few weeks earlier. The summer had come – with its southern heat, an unbearable one – and life seemed to go slowly. Almost carefully.

I didn't know the area at all and after a few miles in the pitch dark of the night – for once our plans had taken us to the countryside – I saw a few lights on the side of the road. Lanterns that a breeze seemed to make dance among the trees. A circus had stopped by there for a few performances that would be held the following week.

I stayed with them until they left – as much as it still surprises me now. Because we didn't belong to the same world at all. As a matter of fact, I had never attended any circus performance before. After calling my mother to tell her where I was – oddly enough she didn't mind – they welcomed me with open arms to discover their lives. I have never told anyone about it – mainly because it doesn't match with who I am now, because it belongs to the past and a very brief one – but the truth is that I have never been happier than among these strangers who quickly turned out to be some sort of a second family to me.

They taught me how to break in horses – how to walk on a thin wire – and most of all, they taught me about family traditions. It didn't last very long but even once I was back to my mother, I kept in mind their singular way of life – hoping for a while that I would join them back, definitely. Of course, it did not happen and we left for Texas.

I have never walked on a thin wire again. I have never approached horses the way I did by then. I have never felt such a sentiment of freedom and yet belonging to a family than I did with them. But silently, I have thanked my mother for – for once – having let me do something like this. She could have never accepted that I stayed with strangers for a couple of weeks and yet she did.

Because she felt that I needed it – just as I do feel it for Hannah now. I have to let go of it a little bit. I can't be that protective anymore. She is growing up. She has to live things by herself without me on her side constantly. And perhaps... This way around... She will nonetheless get closer to me.

I hope she will.

Karen.

…

"Of course, I will. But... There is no date on it?"

Taking a sip of her coffee, Karen played along – letting long seconds pass by – only to grow on Olivia's amused curiosity. The invitation said the essential except for the date. Actually, it was more some sort of a prototype if she had to be honest but it was all she had found to announce it to Stanley's daughter.

"That is... Because we haven't settled any date yet."

Her reply made Olivia burst out laughing – causing a few people in the coffee store to turn around and look at them properly. Shaking her head in disbelief, the young woman smiled brightly. She looked fine now – in peace – and so far from the troubled teenager she had been once.

"This is so typical from you and Will... Out of the blue projects like this wedding yet not following deadlines... A sort of bohemian way. Karen, you are a bohemian who ignores herself. Who would have guessed that?"

The remark took Karen aback but she didn't say a word about it – only thought about Alabama. It had to be the closest she had got to a bohemian life. Two weeks only. Yet unforgettable ones.

"It doesn't really match the way it used to work with your dad, indeed."

Olivia's smile vaguely faded away and as she cast a glance to the table next to theirs, she nodded – a bit slowly as if to balance the rush of memories that were making it to her head.

"How is Hannah?"

The absence of transition didn't really take Karen aback but she nonetheless pondered the question for a while. They had come back from Greece the week before – from a perfect getaway where there hadn't been any arguing whatsoever. It had almost looked like a new beginning.

Hannah had headed back right away to the art school where she spent most of her days. They weren't closer but the tensions seemed to have nonetheless softened – and it was relieving, immensely relieving for Karen.

"She is doing fine... For a fourteen-year-old teenager. Just call her, you know. I am sure that she would love spending some time with you. It has been a while since the last time."

Olivia rolled her eyes – a bit dramatically – then grabbed her BlackBerry to check her agenda. It was a strange thing for Karen to see Stanley's daughter as a professional woman. They had met in another life somehow – a world that looked blurry, too far.

"Don't tell me! I guess it was just before her birthday or something... Shameful when we both live in the same city. Mason will be in New York next month, perhaps we could arrange something. He called me the other day to tell me that he would take part in a conference about Plato."

Karen couldn't help but smile at the mention of the philosopher. It reminded her of Yale when she was a student. Another life again.

"Who would have thought that your brother would sell Walker Inc. and choose instead to be a Philosophy professor? Certainly not me to be honest..."

A few minutes later, Karen said goodbye to Olivia and looked at her go away. If Stanley were still alive then he would have been proud. But he had died – too long ago. Clearing her voice to sweep away the bitterness such a wonder had spread on her mind, Karen turned on her heels to walk back towards The Upper West Side. Where she belonged now – with Will, with Hannah.

And everything was fine. Yes, everything was fine.


	20. The Other Side Of Life

**Chapter twenty – The Other Side Of Life**

I had never dreamed that I could fly. I had never dreamed that I could feel light enough so my feet leave the ground and I join the sky for a while – for a singular journey, that would take me far. Perhaps my existence is too heavy for that and even my subconscious can't imagine such a thing. I am trapped – somehow – trapped in a scheme that I don't like.

I know that the others aren't like that. My friends – my teachers – anyone I happen to meet. I don't need to make any allusion to it because it is obvious. We don't see life the same way for not sharing the same background. And they look okay when I don't.

It is a getaway – probably not a good one but what can I say? It is a matter of compromises – I suppose, if I have to think about it – or a precarious adaptation to a world I don't control. Until last night, I hadn't really felt anything special. It was more about observing the others and trying to understand why – one more time – I didn't seem to be able to succumb to the same.

But last night I reached another level and it finally happened. I closed my eyes – almost carried on by a force I couldn't really describe – and lay down on the floor. The contact was bare but intense as if I was making one with the wood brushing my skin.

The sun was shining in my head – just like in Greece – and I couldn't help but smile. I was back there – by magic somehow – and I could see the white houses, the sea glimmering below. A sentiment of heat invaded me and my feet left the ground. Slowly – peacefully – delicately. Until I started flying.

I wish it had happened to me earlier – in my dreams. Because there is no more powerful sensation and I was feeling immensely happy. I flew over Greece for a while before the landscape changed and I faced images from the past – from my past. When I was a child. I had never noticed it before but I guess that I miss these times when everything looked easier and logical. When I didn't lose myself in wonders.

I don't know when it all fell down exactly – when I lost my references, my hope and faith. I remember my birthdays at _Serendipity's _and the way mom used to brush my hair every evening – her fingers like a delicate caress, one of these kisses she never stopped giving me. I had forgotten about all of this.

As I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling of Ruben's bedroom, I realize that I deeply missed this. I miss the relation I used to have with mom but nowadays it just seems impossible to go back to it. And it hurts somehow – it hurts quietly.

Hannah.

…

"Your daughter is turning into a hippie..."

"These are just pearls in her hair. Pearls – accessories – there is no big deal."

"I haven't said that being a hippie was a big deal."

Jack was being playful and she knew it but for some reason – instead of ignoring his attempts – Karen went for them. Looking up at him, she shook her head and made a face. Grace laughed from the stool she was sat on but remained focused on her sketches. It was a nice day of September. The sun had been piercing through the windows of the office since the first hours of the morning – giving thus very warm shades to the place.

"Jack, honey... If you have only stopped by to tell me that my daughter was ready for some Woodstock remake then you can leave immediately and don't count on me to invite you for lunch."

"Her new style is still better than the one she had adopted back in May though. Let's face it."

To accompany her remark, Grace finally looked up and smiled at Jack – with complicity. It was a fact: Hannah had changed since they had come back from Greece. Not drastically but she had nonetheless gone for a vaguely esoteric style. But what Karen preferred to keep in mind was the change of attitude from her daughter. Life was going smoothly – almost peacefully. No more arguing.

"You two have no idea what it is to have to face a teenager in full crisis. Well... It shouldn't be too long before you realize it, Grace. Then we will see – you will tell me about it."

Her relation with Hannah seemed easier but they hadn't got any closer – to Karen's highest regret. Her daughter had just turned strangely quiet as if she wanted to be forgotten. At times it was like living with a ghost – a nice one, though.

"I am not sure that Leo would appreciate Julia to get a hippie style."

"Like she will ever let him a chance to get an opinion on that..."

Karen's comment sounded a bit too bitter for the lightness of the conversation and as both of her friends looked up at her – confused – she simply rolled her eyes before sweeping her words away with a vague gesture of her hand.

"Let's go, Jackie. I made reservations at the _The Russian Tea Room. _I hope you are hungry."

She wished Hannah talked to her. She wished Hannah confided in her. She wished Hannah told her all these things that had led to these changes. But nothing happened except silence and a smile Karen knew too well for having used it a thousand time in the past herself. The one that pretended it was okay – the one that said too much.

"I need you here by three, Karen. Our new client is coming."

She didn't reply to Grace but of course she would come back – on time. She always did when knowing how important it was for her friend's career. She wouldn't let her down. This was something she could not even imagine.

Yet she would think about Hannah – how the silence of their relation might have been relieving but did not make it everything alright. On the contrary. There was always another side of the story - another side of life that no one could keep on hiding.


	21. A Dream Of You And Me

**Chapter twenty-one: A Dream Of You And Me**

My relation with Will is a long process made of a thousand things and a single regret: that we didn't meet earlier in our respective lives because we have wasted time and now we have to draw a line under certain things like having another child. As much as post-partum complications turned out to be why I didn't go through another pregnancy, I can't help thinking that it would have been different if I had met him in my twenties.

I wasn't ready to become a mother yet I didn't want an only child either. Because it isn't an easy status – and sometimes I wonder if Hannah doesn't suffer from it. Although she never alluded to it. Not even as a little girl. Perhaps it is one of these things she keeps for herself – unless she told Will about it. Lately they have multiplied their father/daughter moments in the city. Without me.

Why do I always have to feel in the way? Even in my own family. The other night – as we were in bed and about to fall asleep – I asked him about it, about these afternoons he spends with Hannah. The truth is that it isn't my first attempt and every time Will finds a way to change the subject. Not just because it would be none of my business but because it could hurt me. Or at least this is the feeling I have.

He doesn't even ask me to stop – he doesn't even roll his eyes to my constant attempts. No. Instead, it is all about focusing on me as if I were extremely fragile or on the verge of dying. As if he were about to lose me once and for all. He takes me in his arms – plant a trail of kisses until reaching my lips – as his fingers slowly caress my nape and he hopes that I will fall asleep.

Will is very attentive – very sweet when nobody else is around. This is something I love about him and because I have rarely lived it. Not that the others didn't treat me well but the result wasn't convincing – as if they forced themselves for knowing subconsciously that they weren't in love with me. Will doesn't have to pretend. The reason why we are together is incomprehensible – a thousand things would clearly indicate that we aren't meant to be – and yet it is there. Obviously. The slightest gaze reduces the rest to silence and dust. In its own peculiar way.

And yet I have a hard time telling him about all these things that weigh on my heart – on my mind. It is there but it doesn't want to come out. I guess Hannah is just like me. I just hope that it doesn't drag her down as it does at times for me.

Karen.

…

"How are you, sweetie?"

Carefully, Karen put the tray she was holding on the floor and touched Hannah's forehead to check the temperature. The teenager was still hot but didn't look as pale as she had been a few hours before.

"It is just the flu – no big deal."

Usually, Will stayed home when their daughter was sick – because they were closer, because he knew it all – but an important meeting had kept him at the office. With a barely hidden apprehension Karen had accepted to take his place by Hannah's side for the day and with awkwardness she stepped in the room every since and then – dancing nervously on her feet, a helpless smile on her lips.

"I brought you some orange juice – and a couple of cookies. Are you hungry?"

Nobody had taken care of her when she used to be sick. Or at least not once her father had died. It was something that she hadn't learned and barely knew how to face. Taking care of someone hadn't been part of her education and even though she had tried at times – with Stan's children – it had never really worked out.

Hannah sat up in her bed – painfully – and abandoned on her lap her drawings. She was going through a charcoal period and her fingertips being constantly black made Will mad. Full of uncertainty, Karen tended her the glass of orange juice and kept the plate of cookies in hand. She looked ridiculous – she knew it – but for some reason, she didn't manage to overcome it.

"Do you mind if I have a look at these?"

Her request had been shy – almost regretted as she knew how much Hannah gave importance to build a distance between her personal activities and the rest – but against all expectations, the teenager nodded. Giving her the plate of cookies, Karen grabbed the drawings – sat on the edge of the mattress.

A lot of landscapes of Greece. The travel had had a real impact on Hannah – for whatever reason – and Karen loved it. For someone who had wanted to stay in Manhattan in the first place, going overseas had offered beautiful surprises.

She had just gone through a dozen of seaside landscapes when all of a sudden Karen froze – facing a very different kind of drawing. Perplexed. The new series of sketches left her perplexed for a few seconds.

"What are these?"

With a shaking hand, Karen went back through them – brushing the edges of the curves, the supposed lightness of the fabric.

"It is a wedding dress..."

Hannah's voice had been low but extremely calm. Full of self-confidence as if logic emanated from it – as if it had to be and nothing else. Taken aback, Karen shook her head – frowned – before finally daring to look up at her daughter. The explanation had been implicit – sweet and beautiful. It made her blush.

"Is this... Is this the dress you would like me to wear when your father and I will get married?"

Hannah shrugged and looked by the window of what had been Grace's bedroom once. The view over Riverside was clear as the buildings of New Jersey pierced through the leaves of the trees.

"I think that something like that would suit you pretty well. Yes..."

"So you want us to get married?"

Curiously enough, until then Karen hadn't really thought about what the teenager could think about it – and since they barely talked about the wedding at all, things seemed far in the distance. But they were getting completely different perspectives suddenly.

"I guess I don't really mind but... Why not after all? It isn't an every-day event that the one to see your parents' wedding – and it could make us happy..."


	22. What You Never Tell Me

**Chapter twenty-two: What You Never Tell Me**

At least now she has a project – something to focus on – which leaves me plenty of time to do what I want. She barely checks if I come back home on time – if my homework is done – or if I am eating the proper things at the right moment. It won't last. That's why I have to take advantage of it at the most – and right now. Her new – almost – indifference gives me a freedom I never had before. It is an amazing sensation of strength that I can't waste. Who would have imagined that a single drawing could actually make the difference? Yet it did.

The wedding – getting married. She doesn't think about anything but it, now. I know that she has been touched by the fact I had thought about it in the first place – in my own way – and I appreciate it but I have to recognize that her sudden obsession for it doesn't sound right. Even less true. She forces herself and we can all sense it but for some reason, nobody dares to say the slightest thing.

I am almost sorry for dad. His intentions are honest when mom's ones are... Precarious. Uncertain. She loves him – I know that she does – but something is bothering her. Something she won't say out loud as if she were afraid of being judged. She is too complicated and that ruins everything. Always.

Yesterday someone called just before dinner. Dad was cooking and I was sat on the couch – watching a TV show. She went for the phone but as soon as her interlocutor spoke, her tone of voice changed and she looked uncomfortable. Embarrassed to say the least. The problem with mom is that she isn't good at lying – as much as she thinks that she is. She doesn't know how to sound casual when she is actually in full panic. It can even be pretty funny.

Except I wonder who was on the other end of the line and made her blush – leave the room – last night. Dad didn't seem to give importance to it. He barely looked up to see where she was heading to and kept on preparing dinner. At no moment did he ask her about the mysterious call – later when at the table. At no moment did he try to get her say the slightest thing about her unexpected reaction. I suppose that he trusts her enough. Personally I wouldn't. But then... Dad never saw her kiss someone else.

I wish I could believe her when she tells me that it meant nothing – that Thomas went to kiss her and a bit taken aback she didn't how to react. I wish her words would satisfy me enough so I stop wondering about the reactions she has at times.

What if she cheated on dad? In spite of everything – the way she does love him. What if she hid a lot of other shameful things? Her silence is loud. Let's face it.

Hannah.

…

"How is Hannah?"

She was late. Will was waiting for her ten blocks away for lunch and she had barely made five steps in the streets that the teenager's Italian teacher had stopped her. Taken aback by the question - if only a little - Karen frowned politely holding back several pieces of fabric that threatened to fall out from a large agenda she was holding. The teacher laughed lightly and developed her question.

"Well, we haven't seen her for a week. Chicken-pox is one tricky disease..."

The pieces of wedding dress fabrics could have flown away in the middle of Chelsea that Karen could have not cared less. The Italian teacher's words were twirling around in her head – not making sense at all. Except in a bitter way.

"Oh that... Hmm... Yes, she is doing slightly better now. Hopefully on Monday she will be able to come back to school."

Because it was embarrassing to let someone understand that her child has been lying to her, Karen did not dare to ask for further details. What for, anyway? She had understood it all. Even though it was incomprehensible.

Hannah had never done that – never skipped a single class in her whole life. The last weeks seemed to have been smooth ones and when asked, she always said the new year was a good one. Something had happened obviously. Something Karen hadn't been told about.

Confused but nonetheless trying to not let anything appear, Karen managed to say goodbye and headed up the street. Except there was no schedule anymore – and Will waiting for her seemed optional if not just pointless now. Hannah hadn't gone to school for a whole week now. Seven days in a row that she left in the morning with her bag and came back home in the afternoon – spending all these hours doing Lord knows what in Manhattan. With whom?

All of a sudden, Karen thought about her own past – the way she had stopped going to school at the age of sixteen only to meet some unfortunate people. If it hadn't been for Henry – her first husband – her life would have turned pretty bad now. The story couldn't get repeated with Hannah. Because she wouldn't let it happen. She couldn't do that.

"Are you alright? You seem to have seen a ghost!"

Smiling forcefully at Will as she finally reached the restaurant, Karen sat down and ordered a glass of wine. To win time. To ponder her words – her decisions. Hannah was disappointing her for the very first time in her life and it was hard to deal with it. Especially now.

"No... Nothing. I am fine. As a matter of fact, I have taken with me some pieces of fabric and I would like to get your opinion on them. For the wedding dress – that is."

Perhaps she should have told him. Perhaps – at this exact moment – Karen took the wrong decision and lost herself in a very dangerous game. She couldn't tell yet but if she had hoped for relief, it only came to weigh more on her shoulders and she hid herself behind the menu of the restaurant.

A chance. Hannah had to consider it as a chance. They would have a face-to-face and hopefully found a way to turn the page. There had to be something – a good reason for the teenager to miss classes. Will wouldn't be as calm if he happened to learn about it. Karen knew it and she wanted to avoid any kind of conflict. Not now that the three of them seemed to have found a peaceful routine.


	23. Words Mean Nothing

**Chapter twenty-three: Words Mean Nothing**

There is no guide whatsoever. One day a midwife places a child against your chest and there you are. People say that it comes naturally because it is meant to be. Trust your instincts – be fair and loyal. But it doesn't work like that. As a matter of fact, nothing works out and you keep on facing what looks like an endless series of failures. Being a parent isn't easy – especially when you lack references.

Perhaps I should have told Will in the first place – right from the beginning – because now I don't dare anymore. I have waited for too long. I don't have any choice but to go through it all by myself. Perhaps I should consider it as a challenge – the occasion I finally get to prove that I can handle motherhood like anyone else. Like Grace, for instance. Though she doesn't go through the same. I wish it were that easy for me – for us. I wish we hadn't screwed it all at some point.

Hannah and I might have never been close to each other, there still used to be something when she was a little girl. There were those days at the park – our regular visits to the zoo... Regularity. I guess this is the word, indeed. We used to have references and a well-defined routine. Now it is only a patchwork of dismantled ideas.

Jack says that I need to stop living in the past like that – not that he knows what is going on but I can't keep for myself everything either. At times it just has to come out. Implicitly because I lack courage to put words on my feelings. Perhaps he is right but why would I face the present time? My daughter lies to me – she hates me – and my relationship with Will is precarious like a house of cards in the middle of a storm. I could focus on the future but for some reason it looks too dark. While I was happy a few years ago. Everything didn't go right but still. We made sense.

Now everything is over and I have lost any faith.

I know that I shouldn't have done that because I crossed the lines and betrayed Hannah – my hands are shaking now – but she didn't give me a single choice. Not this time around. And the worst of all is that I turned to be right. What am I going to do, now? What am I supposed to say? How do I have to start the well needed conversation with her? Will would know about it. As a matter of fact, he would have even thought about the consequences. But he doesn't know the slightest thing. Is it fair? Probably not but my intentions aren't bad ones. I just want to spare him – yet prove that I am able to handle it.

Karen.

…

"You lost something."

Instead of going back to the office, Karen had taken her afternoon off and headed to the apartment on Riverside Drive. With no particular plan – hoping that the latent anxiety that had spread on her mind as she had learned that Hannah had been skipping classes would go away, perhaps. A bit confused, Karen had simply abandoned her belongings on the couch and made it to the teenager's bedroom. For quite a while she hadn't move – stayed there in the middle of the room – and stared blankly at it. Wondering – blaming herself for a thousand things.

And suddenly – without any warning – she had looked everywhere. Looking for what? She had no idea until her impulsive reaction had led her to the box in which Hannah kept her paintbrushes. It hadn't hurt as if she simply couldn't get touched anymore by anything. Calmly, she had grabbed the stack – passed her tongue over her dry lips – then carefully closed back the box before going to wait for Hannah in the living-room.

Hannah's smile froze as Karen opened her hand – letting appear the stack. White. Pure. For a moment none of them dared to speak – not knowing what to say in the first place. It wasn't delicate but simply impossible to face. From both sides.

"You went through my things?"

From all the potential reactions, Karen hadn't thought about this one. It made her feel angry – a strength boiling in her lower stomach before rushing up to her brain.

"What the fuck are you doing with a stack of cocaine?"

Her anger took Hannah aback but an ounce of pride made the teenager try to not show it. The kind of pride that Will owned – the one that got on Karen's nerves at times.

"This is none of your business!"

"Yes, it is! Just like the reason why you have skipped classes all week. Who do you think you are? Why are you lying to everyone?"

"Who told you that?"

Hannah was on the defensive but didn't seem to be panicking the slightest bit and it scared Karen. If so, then the teenager was capable of anything. Absolutely anything.

"Your Italian teacher who was worried about you... But perhaps she was right, at the end. She was right to be worried – not for the good reason but still. What have you done this week? Where have you been? Is this – this fucking stack of cocaine – the reason of your school absences? What is wrong with you?"

Raging, Hannah hurried to her room but this time Karen didn't let go of it and followed her. Her heart was beating fast in her chest – bumping against her temples loudly. She was on the verge of passing out for being so angry.

"Hannah! Do you have any idea how embarrassing for me it was to learn that my own child – the one I am supposed to trust – hadn't gone to school for a whole week and lied about it? Do you know what is it to find cocaine in your fourteen-year-old's bedroom? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You. You. You. Do you know any other word? It isn't all about you, dammit!"

"Don't talk to me like that! What... What have I done to to you? Honestly – dammit – tell me about it. I don't get it. All along I have tried to be nice with you. Your pregnancy scare – at bloody fourteen years old – your silence towards me, the way you avoid me and... And now this. Cocaine and skipping classes. What have I done to you that you can't even realize that the only thing I did all along was to protect you? I gave you chance after chance and this is how you thank me."

She was crying. The tears were running down Karen's face but she didn't mind for once. They just had to come out – quietly and burning – as she kept on staring at Hannah. The teenager looked flinty – as if nothing could touch her anymore. Not even the sight of her mother in tears.

"Thank you? I hope that you are kidding. You covered me just to cover yourself better – with your flirts or whatever with dad's colleagues. I am not that stupid. You don't give a damn about me. It is all about you and how to make up with your bullshit. 'I keep your secrets – you keep mine'. You and Thomas kissing... The mysterious call the other day... This is how you work and just because you are afraid I can say it all to dad. I can't stand you... I can't stand you!"

Before a perplexed – shaking – Karen, Hannah slammed the door of her bedroom and put a harsh end to the confrontation. Not noticing the slightest thing – neither did Karen until she turned around only to come to face Will who was standing there quietly.


	24. Back To The Beginning

**Chapter twenty-four: Back To The Beginning**

I don't know anyone. I have always hated this kind of situation – when I step into a room and have to face strangers' gaze on me – but this time it seemed necessary, right. Besides, there is Olivia. I like her because she understands me – she listens to me. She has done that constantly for the past years. Maybe I should have called her earlier – before everything fell down like this. I don't know why I let it go.

It is a nice place. I am sure that in the summer – when the sun pierces through the large windows – you can feel its warmth slide on your skin, embrace you. But for the moment the leaves of the trees give a brown shade to the paths. It makes me feel melancholic. I regret too many things.

I went for a walk around before mom and dad left. Mom didn't stop saying that I would be alright here because it was a nice place. But deep inside, I guess that she was more trying to persuade herself than anyone else. We talked a bit since the fight. It comes up little by little. We never took time to do that – it might be our main mistake in all of this. She told me about her past – all these things I had wanted to know – and the truth is, I would have never imagined what she actually went through. It is hard for me to believe all of this because it seems so far from the person I know. Yet I am glad that she finally dared to open up to me. She looks more... Fragile and vulnerable now. More human.

We nonetheless decided that I should come here if only for a while. A common agreement – no matters I am going to miss Julia, and Scarlet. Jack and Grace too. I want to turn the page over Ruben and all the others. Wrong people at the wrong time – a bit like mom when she was my age except nobody seemed to give a damn by then and she had to go through it by herself. The art school was a good one – a very good one – but not all the students there. I mistook their cool attitude for a desperate need to be heard and understood by absent parents. And here comes the drugs – the alcohol. My fourteenth birthday at the club looks far all of a sudden. Too far. And terribly innocent. Anyway, it is time for us to leave this behind. Once and for all.

But I hate stepping into a room without knowing anyone. I might be shy...

Hannah.

…

"What are you thinking about?"

She had huddled in the old armchair by the French window as soon as they had arrived and she had stayed there, still – staring blankly at the ocean in front of her. The beach was empty by this time of the year and the waves were crashing loudly – pushed by the wind. It was spectacular yet reassuring somehow. Perhaps thanks to the regularity that came within it.

Not breaking eye-contact with the ocean – and avoiding Will's gaze wisely – Karen shrugged, tightened her grip on the shawl she had put on her shoulders. The house was cold and terribly quiet. Just like her life all of a sudden.

"I got it all wrong... With Hannah... With you... I always get everything wrong. I am not good when it comes to deal with relationships. I screw it all convincing myself that I can handle everything."

His fingers caressed her temple – a gesture that came back very often in tender moments. Usually it had the capacity to calm her down and ease her wonders – heal whatever was burning deep inside her heart. She loved when he did that.

"You tried to do it right though. Don't blame yourself – not on that. Your intentions were good ones. It doesn't go further – it isn't more complicated. It is okay, Kare. It really is."

The rain began to fall – its drops brushing the window of a thousand ephemeral paths. The gray sky had finally lost its battle against heavy clouds. As the sun disappeared and the living-room got plunged into a semi-obscurity, Karen frowned – bit her lower lip. She was feeling incredibly guilty. For every single thing that had happened the past months.

"How can you say that after what I did to you? All the things I hid from you – about Hannah, about me. How can you still be here and trust me?"

She hadn't had a choice but to tell him everything as she had turned around and faced him once Hannah had slammed her door – the stack of cocaine falling down on the floor. From Thomas to the pregnancy scare, Karen had had to explain every single detail to Will who had overheard – a bit confused – most of the fight.

And they had talked for what had seemed like a very long while. But this time the words had come out softly – not too painfully – and once Hannah had taken part in the conversation, they had come to a few conclusions.

A therapeutic school – a two-week session to begin. If it resulted enough then Hannah would go back home. If she felt the urge to stay there – in New Jersey – then she would. Olivia owned the school – as a psychotherapist, she knew better than anyone what Hannah really needed and most of all, they could trust Stanley's daughter. It was a necessary step to go ahead and turn the page. They had only told Grace and Jack – called Hannah's school as well.

"Because I love you."

It sounded bare – simple – and strong. A bit taken aback, Karen finally dared to look at Will but stayed silent for a while.

Could it be just that? Could it all be summed up to that? But something got stuck in her throat. It hurt – quietly. And as she threw herself in Will's arms, Karen burst into tears – her words getting drown by her sobs.

"I am going to miss her... I want to see Hannah..."


	25. 365 Days A Year

**Chapter twenty-five – 365 Days A Year**

When I was a little girl, I used to remain perplexed at the end of fairy tales when the princess finally married her prince and everything went well. Because it didn't match with the rest – it didn't match with the life I was having nor the events I was facing. I didn't grow up hoping for a dream to happen. I went ahead of things and never gave up.

The world is harsh – and abrupt – but this is the way I like it to be. I have learned to despise wonderful schemes and beautiful pictures just as I have learned to count on nobody but myself. Because at the end this is what happens: people leave you – little by little – and you are left alone among broken dreams.

Will says very often that I should soften my opinions and begin to rely on others. I can't remain distant any longer or soon enough I will regret it. I hate his moral speeches especially when I know that he is saying the truth.

There is this eloquence in his eyes – an unbearable pride – that make me feel jealous. Yet he knows that I will end up abdicating. Slowly – carefully.

I have already changed – especially those past few weeks.

Yesterday I passed in front of the building I had lived for so long with Stanley on Madison Avenue. It is not that I hadn't walked by it before but this time I stopped and looked at the lobby. The marble floors – the doorman I don't know – and the limousines with chauffeurs parked in front of it. All of this used to be me. It used to be part of my life but yesterday it only looked blurry and in the distance like some sort of a dream I might have had once.

I miss people from my past – starting with Stan – and the gap that at times seemed to separate me from a bunch of bitter memories. Is my current situation better? I don't know. I guess it is simply different - yet addicting. I wouldn't go backwards for anything in the world. What I lived is behind me – floating over like a friendly ghost – and now it is all about Will, about Hannah.

Yes, my life is different – unexpected and hardly comparable to whatever I went through before – but it is mine and just for that, I love it. I love the people who surround me. There might not be any limousine or any penthouse that overlooks Central Park but there are a thousand other things like my family. My very own one. I am lucky. I am happy.

Karen.

…

"You are beautiful."

The compliment took her aback and she couldn't help but blush – looking around as if to be certain that nobody had overheard Hannah's words. It had been snowing all day long and now that the moon slowly embraced the city, the streets seemed to be shining under a layer of pure whiteness. The result was a bit enchanting – as if coming from a very far wonderland.

Once she got used to the heat on her cheeks, Karen smiled brightly at her daughter sat in front of her – raised dubious eyebrows. The humidity in the air had probably curled her hair and she was beginning to feel the long hours of the day on her shoulders. She probably looked tired. Yet nonetheless happy.

"Do you know what you are going to order?"

"Of course, I do!"

As Karen's smile suddenly seemed to find an echo on Hannah's lips, Will, Grace, Jack and Leo finally pushed the door of _Serendipity _and joined them at the table with an exhilaration that had carried them all day long. Was it because of the weather and the first snow of the winter or the celebration in itself? Karen didn't know but she wished time could stop – right at this moment – get suspended if only for a while until she made sure that it was all engraved in her mind. Endlessly.

"Isn't it a bit strange to come and get some ice-cream in the middle of December while it is snowing?"

"It is simply odd to come to _Serendipity _to celebrate a wedding."

Karen's eyes went from Jack to Grace – following their remarks – but she didn't say a word, shrugged and passed her right hand on her left ring finger to brush for the thousandth time the platinum wedding band.

As if to convince herself that it was true. As if it happened to be the only proof she had. Actually they had only gone to the courthouse in a very unofficial ceremony – signed the papers – and rushed to The Upper East Side for an ice-cream at _Serendipity's. _And it was perfect like that – with no guest list – but the simplicity and joy of being surrounded by the people they loved the most. In all intimacy.

Hannah had left the therapeutic school for the weekend. It had been a while since the last time – a few months now that she had decided to remain there for a while – but even if the situation was tough and she missed her daughter, Karen had to recognize that everything was going a lot better like that. Maybe soon enough Hannah would be back home. Definitely. Boarding school was not what Karen had had in mind for her child but it seemed pretty alright now.

"So how is it to be Mrs. Truman?"

"Delaney-Truman..."

The instinctive remark made Grace smile – an ounce of bitterness passing through her eyes for a few seconds. It could have been her. It could have been her day. It could have been her wedding. And her name now. Except the story had gone through a completely different scheme. Unexpectedly from the very beginning.

"I don't know..."

Karen started her sentence but stopped halfway and looked around at the faces she knew so well – at a place that carried so much importance for her. Hannah had chosen the restaurant. As a matter of fact, she had insisted – as if to catch back on her missed fourteenth birthday a year ago – as soon as she had arrived to Manhattan the day before.

Perhaps some memories remained in spite of the time – some references and family rituals as well. It made Karen proud and as she took a deep breath, she simply shrugged before looking down timidly at her lap.

"It doesn't change anything... I guess... I guess it is just a lovely sequel."

As her words kept on resounding softly in the air, Karen turned around and planted a kiss on Will's lips. She held his hand - tightly.

Just a lovely sequel. Another part of their story. A new chapter for their family.


End file.
